Yay back to a computer!!

Wow!! What an insane week and a bit. Last Tuesday we started the packing and moving to the new house (thus reason for lack of posts and being able to catch up with other peoples blogs!) and then xmas - ahem!! - and then my little boy turned one on boxing day (where has the year gone) so finally today I am able to grab a few minutes to try and catch up with myself.

House - loving the new house and the space and the area - it feels like we are on holiday even though we are just at home. Jade keeps asking if we are going back to our old house because if we are she will stay here without us!!
Xmas - Inventory - 5 pkts of scorched almonds, 4 fruit mince pies, large box of lindor balls, 3 small pkts of lindor mint balls, chocolate mud cake (birthday cake) and other numerous indulgences that are getting too scary to list.
Seb's birthday - HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LITTLE MAN - he is growing up so fast and I am going to be so sad to not be with him everyday when I go back to work *sniff sniff*
WW - Well tonight I go back. There is a local one here on Thursday nights and I know I should go and face up to my xmas inhaling of food, I am a little scared. One because I know that I have gone way up (I think all the weight I lost when I was pregnant -11kgs - is back) and two because I am a rather shy person and I get nervous going places where I know nobody - I know the leader as she is the same leader from the meeting I used to go to in the city but I don't know any people. But I need to take the bull by the horns - it will be a great way to get to know some of the people who live out this way and if I keep going to the city meetings it will be to easy to say its too far away and put off going. JUST DO IT!!!!

Well I hope everyone had a wonderful happy xmas break and enjoying the sunshine (when it comes out!!!), I will be back to report the damage and catch up on what everyone else is up to tonight.

X Bex

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!

I got the job - man some people have poker faces when interviewing and I thought I was doomed!!!!! But I will be teaching year sevens - think that is probably the year before kids go bad hehe. I am so excited - this means so many pressures taken off. We can afford the new house, I can spend more money this christmas and I am not going to go insane spending time at home. Now I can breathe and just enjoy xmas!!!!!!!

Interview Over!

Well quick note just to say interview over.....binge eating started - guess that sums up how it all went. POOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Need a buddy

I have decided that I need to look elsewhere for support and a buddy in this weight loss journey. Jeff just doesn't get it and frankly I think he is sick to death of hearing oooohhh look at this diet, I will start tomorrow, OMG I am so fat blub blub blub!! And I don't blame him we have been together for about 10 years and for at least 7 of those I have been on diet. Now he kind of just shrugs and says 'whatever'. Not that he isn't supportive cause he really wants me to succeed I just think the food/diet/exercise talk is getting him down. So I am on the look out for a buddy.

Now my mother has been my buddy and has been supportive except that she has just about finished her journey (bitch!! just joking!!!) and I think it would be nice to have someone outside of the family. So how to find one - maybe advertise in the local paper. Wonder what that ad would look like:

Wanted: Someone who is into lard busting and likes long walks on the beach. Must bring own carrot sticks and diet coke


hehehehe I think the chocolate has gone to my head.

So why then?

So why doI want to lose weight? Probably should of written this entry before today might have stopped the uncontrolable bored/anxiety binge. But hey better late than never...... here is my first five (I have challenged myself to come up with 103, why 103, I like the number three okay!) I have put them in no particular order....

1. I want to have photos that I think wow I look good instead of OMG just how many chins and rolls can you see?
2. I don't want to get diabetes - with having had gestational diabetes during both pregnancy I have a huge risk of getting Type 2 and really the only way to drop my risk is drop my weight. Say no to needles
3. I want to be a good role model for my children - especially after my daughter said to me today when we were grocery shopping "yay daddy and Seb aren't here so we can get lots of chocolate!!!!"
4. I want to enjoy summer instead of hiding away because I am too hot and everything is too tight and walking may cause thigh rubbing fire
5. I want to have GREAT SEX!!! (sorry mum!) I know Jeff loves me as I am but I am not happy as I am so our bedroom aerobics consists more of me finding ingenious ways to hide my wobbly bits

oooooooo have to add number six

6. I want to fit into my size 12 lee jeans again!! booohoooo

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO got job interview at school in Waiuku on Wednesday!! God now I have to find something to wear!!!!!!!!!!

Actions speak louder than words

But at the moment I am all about the talk and not enough about the actions. In all of this time that I have had a blog I have realised that I have all the ideas in the world and I could apply for an honourary degree in Nutrition and exercise. I know what to do, when to do it and howmuch I should be doing or having the part I am missing is how to put it into practise.

Today I feel crappy I have gotten to the point where I know I am just about to gain a whole lotta weight - you know the feeling everything feels tight - my clothes, my skin and whenever I sit I have to pull my tshirt out of my rolls and then can feel them folding over each other and over my jeans. Jeans that were a few months ago starting to look like needed replacing as they were starting to hang off my arse, now my arse is threatning to spill over the top. I am now hitching them up not because they are too big but because the fat is working its way out the top.

Oh Rebecca, Rebecca, Rebecca woo is me!!!! LOL!! Right now I have to laugh cause I may cry - I have done this to myself and am currently using every excuse in the book - kids, moving house, rejection letters, low energy, they were there and I have to eat them rather than throw them out!!!! COME ON REBECCA!!! (Insert hit to forhead!)

So I am going to go away now (no!! not to finish the bag of salt n vinegar chip my husband (aka feeder fred) brought yesterday and left sitting in full view on the bench) I am going to go away and decide why do I want to lose weight - move towards something I want instead of something I don't want (yes being a stay at home mum means I watch Dr Phil).............

Broke!!!

WE BROUGHT A NEW HOUSE!!!! Yay us! Wonderful house lots of room huge backyard and peaceful surroundings what more could we ask for. Next in my dream book a bloody job to help pay for it and size 12 lee jeans! heheheheh

This weeks weigh in was rather tragic although probably got off lightly - gained 100grams. Now I can't wait for maintenance because for the last 17 weeks I have pretty much maintained my weight give or take a kilo or so and I am so over myself and self sabotage. So my plan is to take one day at a time, forget about yesterday and plan for tomorrow.

Plan for this week: 50,000 steps by the end of the week, eat my fruit servings and track everything I eat. Small steps equals small butt.

WOOHOO!! and feel sick!!

WOOHOO - we have sold the house - yay for trade me only took 36 hours just have to wait for lawyers to do their thing. Feel a bit sick - cause its scary and a bit sad this was our first house and there is lots of little things we have done (and still heaps of big things to be done - thus wanting to move) like planting a same veggie garden - the veggies have only just starting to grow, painting a pink (and I mean pinkpink!) room for our daughter just finished so she won't get into it and did we sell it too cheaply. But I guess the universe is saying time to move on - new beginning so Waiuku here we come. We are looking at houses today!!! So excited!!!!

New Profile Photo

Finally a photo of me that isn't a cartoon!!! Scary really putting it out there for all to see. It is a photo of me taken about a week ago and I weigh 89.6 kilos!!!!!

Decided to nick a idea that I read in a comment post about photo updates (sorry can't remeber who but big credit to ya). I am going to buy a disposable camera and take a photo of myself after every three kilos lost and/or every month than when I finally get to goal I will take it in to get developed. Think that means I would have to do it in about a year as I am sure that the cameras expire!!!

Okay see bit by bit I am getting myself sorted - as they say how do you eat an elephant?

9 Months Pregnant!?!

Don't you sometimes wish you had a third leg so that you could kick yourself in the butt without falling over - I would gie myself a serious arse kicking right now because I was just having a nice memory moment about how my DS will soon be 1 year and this time last year I was nearly nine months pregnant! And then like a bolt of lightning - BAM!!! I was also about the same weight and bloody nine months pregnant!!! Well all I could say was frig me!! So then I read through this blog of mine that was suppose to be my inspriation and noted all my bright ideas and the not so bright ones and here I am - nearly nine months pregnant!!!!

So some serious thinking needs to be done me thinks. Yes its hard with two young children, having time to exercise, not eating their food but is it any harder than dying of a heart attack or testing my blood sugar levels four times a day as i struggle to breath due to the fat pressing down on my chest and my body rotting underneath me because I can't move and no one comes to see my any more because I beg for more food or make chomping motions at their children.....ahem....no its not harder I just have to pull my finger out and get moving, get organised, get a chocolate bar. See the root of all evil I love food!! Touching food, smelling food, tasting food even food porn (food channel, cookbooks) I can't get enough of.

Instant Gratification!

Now this is not about weight loss although I suppose in some round about way it is. I think I come from a generation where we are about the instant gratification and want everything to happen now - or at least I do!!!

We have decided to move house yahhhhhhhhh!! And such a cool house with some land and what looks like a great little community. Its in Waiuku which is about 45-60 mins out of Auckland so far enough to be no longer be a real JAFA but not so far that we can still have our fix of the best coffee from Swirl cafe.

Now here is where my wanting it all now comes in....I have applied for a teaching job at the local school and it looks like a neat school to work for also its only just down the road from the house we are probably going to buy and even though I only sent in the application on Thursday night I have already started the negative thoughts that they don't want me and I am never go to get a job - thus emotional eating. I know intellectually that the second they saw my application they were not going to ring up and offer me the job then and there and that there will be many applications that they need to go through but I HATE waiting I want to know now!!!! I want to feel secure that we will buy the house and I will have a job and everything is going to work out!!! Arrrrrgggghhhhh!!!!

Ok Go!

Is the name of a very very cool band and its also how I feel today. After my grump bitch of the last little while I had a chat with myself (Jeff (DH) thinks I am rather odd and may need help due to conversation with myself turn into arguments with myself but I think its perfectly normal!!) Anywho I read through my inspriing chicks blogs and realised how much of a cry baby I really am.

For fuck's sake girl just get on with it!!! Instead of doing things I seem to just bitch about why I can't - lordy lordy!! I have a whole box full of clothes that don't fit and a draw of t-shirts that do!! I don't think wearing t-shirts to any do's over the festive season is going to cut it so only have one choice - lose the weight!!! Okay going to stop using exclamation marks!!! Now!!!

So getting back on track with food and exercise blah blah blah. But more exciting, for me anyway, I have pulled out a book I brought a while a go called list yourself. Its all about making lists of your life and anyone who knows me knows I love making lists - might not do anything but I like to make lists okay!!

So the list for me to work on this week is.....drum roll, random page open......

List all the extravagant material goods you'd buy if you had unlimited funds

He, he well how much paper have I got. So this week I will make my list and post what I come up with. Ohohohohoh list making...ahem!

Another thing I am going to do - yes another list- the 101 in 1001. Quick google search will give you all the info for this one. It is basically a list of things you want to achieve in the next 1001 days. So gonna put mine together and get me out this 29 slump.

TFTD - Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do

What next???

Well I think I have identified a reason that I appear to be freaking out a little at the moment. I turned 29 on October 27 and ever since I have kind of felt in a little haze. Now I know 29 is not that old and 30 is the new 20 and all that but.... all my life I have had the 'by the time I am thirty......' and all my goals in life were geared up to happen by the time I was thirty - getting married, having children, buying a house, getting my degree and of course getting in shape. And now thirty is just around the corner and the only goal I haven't accomplished is the getting in shape so I think that I am scared that I won'taccomplish this one goal by next year - does that mean I will be fat for the rest of my life? Also what now that I have crossed most things off my list - what do I do now? I know that I need to come up with some new goals but I have been so focused on the ones to accomplish by the time I get to thirty that I haven't thought further ahead and I kind of feel empty.

I think 29 is the year that I need to close doors and find closure and get ready for a fresh 30 start but what happens after thirty - what is my fresh start?

Untitled

Right now I am struggling to keep afloat.

My life swings between - not eating, obsessing about eating, and binging - the middle ground appears to have gone. If I am not binging I am so anxious that I chew on my nails and almost feel like I am having a panic attack. Maybe its all of the dieting talk that has been going on around me with Sis wedding coming up, maybe its me graduating and now having to find a job. I don't know what it is but I need to stop it. Today it is a beautiful day and all I can think about is food - not taking my daughter to the beach, or playing outside or going to visit my sick grandmother - no, all I am thinking about is the next thing I will be stuffing in my mouth or how I can avoid eating tonight so I can get away with the binge I have had this afternoon.

My new blog

Time for a face lift!!!



beach babe in the making

Edited 3 Nov - I have come back to bex actually!!

Do Over - Gunna Girl to Action Girl

Do you have times in your life you wish you coul just do over? Rewind and start again? Well that's what I do with my weight loss. I had decided that I was going to start a new blog and just pretend that up until now never existed - I do the same each time I start a new diet, or new lifestyle I buy new notebooks, new places to record weight and what I have eaten, a new WW passport but you know what it doesn;t erase what has happened before or how you got to where you are no matter what we are a product of our past and our actions. So here I am back to my old blog and doing a do over - I acknowledge that up till now hasn't worked and thats okay. Succeeding is about getting back on the horse more times than you fall off.

When reading through what I had written up until now I realised that I am a 'gunna' girl as those who know me will whole heartedly agree!! I am gunna do this, gunna do that and I start out with good intentions but never actually get into action. It's easier to say and a bit harder to do so this part of my journey is about letting go of the gunna girl and committing myself to becoming action girl - ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!

Rejoining

In my journey to 'no more dieting' I have realised an essential element is missing and is something which I think is a main factor is sucess. Group support - for those 'dieting' there are classess to go to or girlfriends to talk with, even everyday mags support those on diets with their hints and tips. But I can't seem to find the equivlant that is not centered around 'the diet' - just somewhere to go and talk tips and strategies, a place where people on the same journey can get together. If somone knows of such a place let me know - blogs are great but I really need group face to face stuff so......I am rejoining WW!! Not for the diet I am fine with getting in touch with my hunger and I don't want to become obsessed with points or 'good/bad' food - I just want to be with others who have the same feelings and thoughts I do and are on the same journey. The meeting that I used to go to on Saturday morning was great for that it was like the WW plan was happening in the background - the leader actually discussed dealing with feelings and learning to feel our hunger and understood that this was about a life commitment not just until we got back into those sexy size 12s. So that's my plan and I am sure there are the purist out there that will rant that I am supporting dieting culture by paying to go to the meetings and in no time at all I will be sucked back into following a set of outside rules but I am stronger than that and I figure that knowing that I need group support which WW meetings give me is a plus on my side - sure I might adopt one or two of their tips but I know that even though I have gained weight since I gave dieting away I also know that I am happier and feel more free than I have in a long time and I am not going to give up that feeling anytime soon.

Your Hair Should Be Orange

Expressive, deep, and one of a kind. You pull off "weird" well - hardly anyone notices.

What's Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

Living in the binge

Today I binged - now usually this would involve feelings of numbness and or guilt but today I took the advice of Geneen Roth and 'lived in my binge'. I could feel it coming my heart starting racing and I get restless, almost panicky - so I took a deep breath and had a chat with myself
'okay Bex, a binge is coming on do you want to go with it''
'Yes!'
'okay lets go with it but maybe this time lets try to be more concious of what we are feeling?'
So I brought my chips, donuts and chocolate - all the time being aware of what I was feeling and what my thoughts were. Then I got home laid out the food and began to eat. I knew I was eating in response to something emotional so why was I eating?
So now I had to go back in time to figure out why I was feeling the way I was and what I was turning to food for. In Geneen Roth's book she talks about there always being a trigger for a binging session and to find it we have to sort through what has happened and find the trigger.
Something that I thought was just triggered today because I felt like the big whale at the pilates class I went to this morning actually went back to yesterday morning and a project I am involved in setting up a Montessori school - with the project I feel like I am not being listened to yet I am also expected to do more than my share even though I am the only one with children including a young baby at home. So my binge today was caused by my feelings yesterday of being stretched too far and for me food is the only thing that doesn't want something from me and allows me to switch off.
So today yes I binged but today I was awake during the binge and discovered a feeling that I think has been buried for awhile so now what to do about it and you know what it starts with asking my husband to look after the kids while I have a long needed nap and time out.

Balance

Last little while has been spent trying to get out of the dieting frame of mind so I have felt a little off balance. I guess it must be what riding a bike is like after you take off the trainer wheels - it has been bumpy and I still feel a little anxious when I eat something that on a diet would be considered 'bad' but I am starting to see foods as all equal a little more (just). The books from Geneen Roth and www.everywomanhasaneatingdisorder.blogspot.com has really given me a lot to think about and advice. The place that I am at now though is the place where I know that I can eat what I want but I also know that there needs to be a healthy balance of food in my life, not just for me but for my children. I want them to grow up with wanting and having a wide range of foods and on a daily basis having a healthy balance diet which also includes eating what they want when they are hungry. My question is though after years of dieting what is a healthy balanced diet - no carbs, no fat, high carbs, high protein, calories, points, three meals only????? I don't know what it means to just eat a balanced diet!!!

While I have been experimenting with honouring what my body wants I seem to push my body into having something I know it doesn't. Like for lunch I really wanted I ham sandwich but the f'ed up voice in my head said 'hey chick you are not on a diet have something naughty something with lots of calories- you are allowed so go for it.' So in my rebellious state I do what it says even though all I really wanted was a ham sandwich. So I know that this is going to take practise and the balance found.

I can definately say though that I am starting to feel so much better about myself, my relationship with food and sure that I can finally conqueror this thing.

Ouch!!

I took a bit of a break for a couple of days from the world and I have just spent the last couple of hours catching up on blogs - whack!!- reality stuck. One of the blogs was a heartbreaking account of a very cool chick losing her baby at 16 weeks. It made me realise that I am sooooo incredibly lucky to have two wonderful wee ones even if I am tired and grumpy and would love a great nights sleep - there are women out there that would give anything to soothe their babies cries at all hours of the night or find playdough in the plug hole! So tonight I am going to kiss them a few more extra times and smile when my baby boy cries for my attention at 2am, 4am and 6am.

Last weekend I bit the bullet and joined the gym and this past Monday I had my first session and guess what today was the first day I could actually walk again!! OMG am I really that out of shape!! I bitched and moaned through the session with the trainer - as I was running two steps at a time up two flights of stairs...while holding a medicine ball - but like she said I will thank her come summer. HMMMMMM she better be right!

Unititled

I feel like I have just been hit by a brick. I don't even know how to write this postbut I know I need to get out what is happening so when things are okay again I can read back and find out what is going on.

Since 11.30am this morning I have been binge eating - everything I could possibly find including going down the road and spending money I know I really can't afford and buying more. Something has changed though usually I would not feel anything while I am eating I am almost numb but today I have cried from the time I opened my second chocolate bar until now. I have cried because I have tried to feel the pain and although I was eating trying to stuff it down I think it has got to a point where I knew I need to acknowledge it. This is what I realised.

I eat because I am frustrated, lonely and tired. I love my little boy to death but I need a break. I have pretty much had him for six months 24 hours a day except for the five weeks I was on teaching placement but even then I had to skip lunch and work around feeding him and once I got home from looking after little ones he was there. There are people that I could ask to look after him but when I ask it seems like I am asking for the world not just a couple of hours and they manage to make me feel like a terrible mother because I need the time. I must admit my husband tries but he just doesn't get it - he tries to work the children into his schedule not just working to their needs and so he gets angry and they get upset so it is just easier for me to do it rather than having people yelling and screaming around me.

Most of my friends don't have children. The one friend who understands whatI am going through and has a young baby lives in a different city and ringing her means large phone bills (DH not happy about this one). I never joined the coffee groups because to me most of them are just a way for mums to compare and talk babies. I don't want to compare babies! Baby boy also won't have a bar of the bottle so even the attempt to wean is more frustrating then having sore bitten nipples (bottom teeth are through) and sleepless nights.

Is it any wonder I have turned to food. It's my comfort, my way out, the one thing that is not judging or wanting something from me right now. How can I possibly get out of this cycle?

Diet detox

When I first said okay no more dieting Bex! It was cool, felt at ease then day two and my body kinda did the you can eat what you want again no rules so go for it and I ate and ate all of the things that I had restricted because of 'dieting', thank goodness I knew this was a normal part of 'diet detox' and just went with it. Well reactive eating no more - after eating chips for dinner last night and not really enjoying them I realised it was time to put the reactive eating behind me and start looking at what I was going to do to get myself healthy and fit again.

So this morning I turned to my low GI foods that I was eating when I was pregnant and actually enjoyed - while I was pregnant I wasn't dieting and just focused on being healthy by eating the low GI foods and keeping myself satisfied and I lost 11 kilos!! It took 9 months to do but hey if I was 11 kilos lighter in 9 months from now I'd be happy. Eating low GI foods stops the dietng thinking because by eating low GI foods your tummy is full, your bloood sugar levels stay more stable which means your moods do to, and I know thatmost of my eating is done not because I am hungry but because of what my moods dictate I eat. One part that I will take from the old dieting is the keeping a food diary but instead of points I am going to write down - What I ate, was I hungry? if not what was I feeling? and what was I doing when I was eating ie: sitting at the table, watching TV - because I am sure that the amount I eat relates to what I am doing at the time. Who hasn't eaten an entire family block of chocolate in front of the TV without realising it and blamed the husband/kids/dog for eating it all up!!

Bit lovin'

Part of this journey of discovery (man it sounds like I am off to find the lost city!) is discovering what feels right for my body, not just what a diet says is right for my body. So I have decided to write the things as I discover what is right for my body, mind and soul (after all I am just more than boobs and hips) and what's not.

What's Right!
*Whole grain bread - Its fills me up, it keeps me going - It satisfies my need for bread without inducing a binging episode.
*Nuts - After years of being told by 'diets' that nuts were a bit of a no no I have started enjoying them again. I love raw mixed nuts, I love the crunch and they always hit the empty spot. I also know that nuts level out my blood sugars.
*Candles - I have about a jillion candles in my house and all of them are gorgeous and till now I have been doing the 'save them for a special occassion' but of course no occassion is special enough - well that's what I thought until I realised every day is special - I am special and my family are special so we deserve to have yummy candles burning even if we are just sitting watching TV.


What's Not!
*White bread - I feel bloated and sick and there is something about white bread that makes it my devil food. The more I have the more I want and I don't even really like it unless its dripping with butter and nutella!
*Messy house - Now call this crazy but the way I have been feeling I didn't think I deserved a clean tidy house - why tidy when I felt so crap. Turning it around a messy house makes me feel like crap and I can't let my children grow up in it.
*Having the TV on up to twleve hours per day - yes I say that its just for company and the sound now that I am at home most days but really most of the time I end up plopped down in front of it watching crap and living in a fantasy world. Time to start living back in mine.

So going to bed tonight feeling a little clearer, a little more at peace with myself.

Mini meltdown

Today I have had a bit of a mini meltdown with food due to a couple of things. One, left over birthday cake from little girl's birthday party - over the pink already!! Two, I am fighting off being sick - have been taking my echinacea so I am sure I am feeling better than I might have otherwise and three, starting to face the icky emotional stuff. Today I was going to start going through the exercises in Geneen Roth's book but because I have been feeling yuck I haven't quite got there and I guess I also think I am a little scared. So of course I am having a little freak out and eating to I guess numb the freak out voices and feelings. Right now I truly feel like I am about to step off the edge of the cliff and I am not sure if the parachute is going to open or not - I trust that it will but there is still the uncertainity until I actually do it!! Hey, I've come a little way already - admitting that it is feelings that I am eating for not hunger. So tonight going to just take a breath and step out into the unknown, wish me luck!

Soapbox

What is it with society today that whenever people get sick or a skin rash or something physical happens we pop pills to get rid of the symptoms. All too quickly people seem to want to cure the symptom instead of finding out what the cause is. For example I have on my foot a slight rash and the second M & S see it, they say get the steriod cream, get rid of it!! Whereas I want to know what caused it not just get rid of it because how do I then avoid the cause or treat the cause - this is why I am a huge avocate for natural products and homeopathy. I feel that with these products you can find and treat the cause which will then treat the symptom. To me using chemical drugs is a way of masking the issue, like a quick band aid. I guess that's also what I have worked out that dieting is for me, instead of dealing with what causes me to turn to food and my overeating and I am only dealing with the band aid food problem - dieting to me is yes lost the weight but will probably gain it again as I haven't dealt with the cause of me being fat. Does this all sound like talking in circles.

I guess I have just got to a point with many things where I no longer want a band aid, a chemical drug, a diet to get rid of the symptom I really do think its time to figure out what the underlyng problem is and hey if I have to walking around with a rash on my foot for a month to find out what is causing it I will!!

What is society really covering up with all their chemical drugs and food band aids. Okay Bex time to fold up the soapbox and go and eat some organic fruit!

Leftovers!?!

Okay I have my first emotional eating issue in my sights. Not very glamorous or exciting ...leftovers!! Yes those little pearls of leftover food that don't make it to the plate. Now those who know me know that I have issues with inanimate objects (I feel sorry for the toys that my children don't play with!!! Issues you say!!!)Now I have only just realised that these feelings stem onto food. Seriously. I obsess about the pieces of food that are left behind and can't stop obsessing until either I eat it (which happens ninety nine percent of the time) or someone else cleans it up. I just can't throw it away! I almost have an anxiety attack about the food sitting there and the second I have eaten it I feel better as the food has accomplished its purpose in life. Does that sound completely mental? I finish a meal, feel good... then someone mentions 'oh there is more up there' or I can see food still in the bowl/pot/takeaway container... and suddenly I can't stop obessing about it, knowing that it feels wasted and alone. Boy oh boy is there some months of therapy in that one!! Next it will be the talking chocolate :O)

Out from under my rock

Last night after finsihing one whole family pizza and a family block ofCadbury's Mint Chip chocolate I decided it was time to stop hiding and come out from under my rock. The rock of blaming my genes, my mother, my stepmother, my husband, stress, no sleep, celebrations, breastfeeding, or the makers of all those tempting foods that surround me - the rock that to date I keep peeking out from but actually haven't got up the guts (and energy!) just to move the bloody thing! Well last night as I lay down in bed feeling disgusted with myself for being a failure - I put a stop to the voice and said this is the last time, the last time I will sleep feeling this way and the last time I will beat myself up for something I know I can change.

Today I feel mentally ready to do it! My brain in engaged and now its time to make my body that way. My biggest challenge to face will be using food as a release from stress - it's how I wind down, how I escape the crying baby or whinging toddler or the house that doesn't 'fit' our family (story for another day!). I know that food is a temporary fix after its gone I still need to deal with whatever drove me to it and this is my greatest challenge on this journey. Dealing with things instead of running and hiding under the doona with a bucket of KFC as protection. Its time to deal with why I eat, the food I eat is just a side issue.

Someone green once said 'ogre's are like onions ... they have layers.' Well that what my relationship with food is - it has layers and I am going to start peeling them away.

Been awile

Yay!!! Assignments over!! Three years of Uni finished!! and..... I have gained 2.1! At this stage I am so over this weight loss thing. I am not sure why I am doing it because I am heavier now then when I gave birth to my little dude. So going throgh the crisis (again!!) ofwhat is stopping me from doing this. Especially right now because my little girl (who will be 4 in a couple of weeks!!) has started getting funny about food and being fat. And even knows some points values of foods - what message am I sending her? Also I have noticed I have started doing the 'god, I'm fat,no clothes fit anymore? What must I be doing to her?

I feel like I need a little step to start with but for some reason I think I have burnt out my brain cells on two weeks of 3am mornings and chocolate because even that little task seems to be beyond me.

Ha!! First time back here in a while and what do I do? Bitch and whinge - I hate women like me!!

I need a holiday!!!

Finally

Yay! I am finally back in the land of the living. I hate being sick - I don't get sick much so when I do I just want to curl up and become a cat...wouldn't it be nice to be a cat ..warm laps, sleeping all day, fur to cover up any roundness....hmmmmmm. Anyway lost 300grams okay I guess thought it would be more but a loss is a loss and over a year 300 grams a week is over 10 kilos so I am cool. Also on No Count I no longer feel deprived or hungry or obsessed so starting to feel more in control - well as in control and this chick could possibly be. Joined a gym he he he - still makes me laugh - Fitness NZ has this new thing where they are trying to get kiwis moving (well make it bloody warmer I say!) and they have gym memeberships for half price so got one for the local YMCA (nice one gym, pool and spa - not to mention yummy gym trainers!). I only brought a three month one rather than one year as I figured well lets just see how much I use it, cause the last couple of times I have joined the gym I have paid for 12 months but gone about three times (think they see me coming). Off to attempt to finish more assignments (or bed) - I graduate in three weeks!!!

I Sick!

I am sick!! Just as things were starting to get good with the exercise I get sick. So in bad mood, have evaluation tomorrow, notes aren't even slightly ready, assignments now starting to be due and all I want to do is go to bed!!!

Yay me!!

Thought it was time that I gave myself a pat on the back. Three days with a big tick...have I mentioned that I LOVE NO COUNT! Still checking my points at the end of the day to see if they fall around range hoepfully soon I can let that go and just enjoy my food with no guilt or pointing. Guess what!! I have even done some jogging - two - three minutes during a 30 minutes walk. Now for some that is nothing but for a chick who has never run a day in her life and has 38DD to control its a bleedin' miracle! Man these endorphin things are good - where can I buy a bottle!

Make that biljinin and one

Today I rejoined Weight Watchers. When we went away for the conference I stopped going and just used the online tools, believing that I could go it alone. Now I have realised I can't - just yet anyway. So I rejoined and standing on the scales I am glad I did - 84.9!!! Man ifI had left it any later 90 was calling around the corner and I told myself after I had S that the number was gone for good. So back to WW and back on No Count. Even though I love the concept and doing No Count I am still a little nervous - like was this gain because of my last two weeks on NC or was it maybe the extras around NC. So will give it another couple of weeks and see how it goes. NC is good in that I don't obsess and feel like I am in control rather than a diet in control of me. Bit of a hiccups tonight though rugby for me since I was little equals beer and chips (rashuns actually), but I allowed myself one beer and didn't even have the chips (half aloaf of fresh baked bread - but no chips!). Baby steps baby steps....

Insano

First of all let me start by saying I LOVE no count!! For some reason points always did my head in and I always seem to be trying to bater with myself to find the worst food to spend my points on - thus the endless yo-yo. But No Count there is none of that you just eat the amount you need or feel like and meal over. Also I like that I might blow my allowance for the week but instead of starving like I would if I had spent all of my points in one day I just turn to no count food. So yes loving it. Couple of hiccups but feel alot more normal and not as obsessed.

Okay on to the insanity thing - last two days doing no count great then today a mini binge, the mini pig out isn't the insane part as that is part of life - the insane part is my thinking around it. I left school today on an average vibe - didn't feel good or bad about the day, picked up my daughter then some little food demon took over and this is the conversion we had:

"Come on you have had a hard day, stop at the shops on the way home."
"No, I'm okay."
"Well J deserves a treat so stop for her and while there get something for yourself."
"She doesn't need it and I am trying to save money."
"Look you have had no blow outs for two days it's about time you had one."
"Okay that makes sense." What the...?! How could it possibly make sense that I deserve to have a pig out because I had been on a roll the last couple of days.

The result J got a chocolate treat something we are trying to avoid with her and I got my Kit Kat temptation (yum!!), giant bag of cheezels (so not worth it) and topped it off with my frankenstein Jam sandwich. Go figure. I think I sort of know why my brain might have rebelled - I didn't have protein for lunch just soup and bread and I have found that over the last couple of days when my eating has been in control I have upped my protein and haven't had these thoughts. It's amazing how you can sabotage yourself because after this pig out I thought well bugger it lets have fish and chips for dinner, luckly I saved myself from continuing on this thinking and decided to blog instead. So I know that I need protein at lunch and after school and hopefully this will stop that niggling voice. Just got to figure out how to stop obvious self sabotage or why I am doing that.

Changes

Last night I really wanted to get some stuff off my chest and sort out how I am feeling about this slightly bumpy (LOL!) journey of mine and went to start writing stuff in my blog and got scared. When I first started this blog is was about me totally me- didn't care if it was ever read by others or not. It was a place to sort out my head and any other bits that needed dealing to. So last night I got scared off writing because of what I thought others would say, people judging me and my thoughts or feelings. So lying in bed last night I realised that hang on this place is for me and I am not competing on the best sellers list I shouldn't edit how I feel and what I write about because of those few whose mothers never told them that if they haven't got anything nice (or supportive) to say don't say anything at all (you know who you are!!). I love sharing my journey with others and hearing how other people are doing but at the same time I figure you don't like it don't read it!! How's that for "assertive" people! So for those who want to share this journey with me - love you long time and stay tuned as this is going to be a bumpy one....

Bum! Bum! Bugger!

Think my scales have it in for me - I have put on 800grams!!! I am now more than I was just after I had given birth and was still carrying fluid - back in bloody December! No count is great - in theory anyway - I can do breakfast, lunch but then come home from school and right now my frankenstein is bread and Jam (how old am I five!) and from the time I get home through till about 7.30 (the time that I start beating myself up for being such a fat pig!) I eat and eat. Today I even managed to pop off a button on my jeans whereas a few weeks agoI could go to the toliet and not have to undo them to pull them down (what an achievement!) so what's up with that. I am willing and able I just don't think my body and brain have caught up.

No Count

This week I have decided to try no count - I know a lot of people think its too restricting, well my jeans are too restricting and I need a boost. I think that on points I spend half my day trying to get a good deal what can I eat for the lowest amount of points that is MADE FROM SUGAR!! Well maybe I should start eating foods that haven't started their life as aset of numbers in a chemical recipe book. From what I have heard No Count takes a bit of getting into so I will be a bit easier on my self for the first couple of weeks, feeling my way but once those couple of weeks are up I need to take it up a notch. Hey as they say keep trying until something works, I haven't given up yet!

Stop the moaning!!

Okay have slapped myself around the face a bit after the last post because man the chick who wrote that was pathetic, giving up when it got just a little hard!! Last night I sat down and caught up on my love to read blogs and wake up call indeed. All the amazing women out there just getting on with it, yes there are times that its okay to curl up in a ball sucking your thumb but after reading my latest posts thats all I seem to be doing - looking for a quick fix and when it doesn't happen I whimper and cry about how I can't do it! So not the red-haired scorpio girl that I am! So here I am this morning after giving myself a stern talking to and I am back in the drivers seat. Today I was suppose to do the Auckland Special K duathlon but with my procrastination in full force I have not even gone for a bike ride once - so decided rather than killing myself in front of thousands of people I will set myself a 12 week challenge and after that 12 weeks will do the duathlon myself. so back to basics - I am using the WW on line tools for my food and the rule of 30 mins exercise for my exercise so thats a start. No more pity parties bex this time you will do this!!

Queen

Of Binge Eating that is. I just don't know what is wrong - what I need - what I am missing. Reading other peoples blogs I am inspired by their results and how they manage to get through and the successes that they have and I think I can do it! But you know what I don't think I can. For as long as I can remember I have been trying to loose weight and have tried everything even the crazy chew-your-food-but-don't swallow (yes - what crazy things we do at school). I must have shares in Weight Watchers and probably have paid a fair chunk of my total adult income to Jenny Craig, gyms and lets not forget the library of books that I have on every theory on how to loose weight but yet I am still here, still miserable and still overweight. I have had days that I have so thought that I have got it - this time I will so do this everything seems to be in place but I must be missing something because all to easily that falls away and I am left feeling like a failure and really worse off than before (if that is possible). I know this all sounds like a pity party but thats not what I want it to be - I am just confused and a little lost about how to get through this thing. I want my daughter to grow up without food issues. The other day I caught her sneaking food and when she is upset or tired or bored she looks for food and she is only 3 1/2 - what am I doing to her?

Where do I go from here?

What I have learnt

The conference was amazing it was all about Maria Montessori's philosophy that if we give children the world, they will give us peace, and what we as Montessori teachers can do to guide children on this journey. Mind blowing!! Anyway one workshop was about Non Violent Communication - basically how we communitcate with each other and ourselves in a way that encourages expressing feelings openly and learning to empathise when others share with us. One major component of this is recognising that everybody has needs and these needs are basically the same for everyone ie: love, acceptance, peace, companionship, knowledge, learning, food, water, being listened to - you get the picture, and conflict arises when someone does not feel a need is being met. Basically if we listen to each other empathitically and express our feelings and needs we will find it easier to negoitate a solution in which everyone is having their needs met to some degree. If a person feels their needs are being acknowledged they are less likely to want to fight back. Now this is when my little light bulb went off ....... The same applies when listening and talking to yourself - how many times do we really truly think about what we need before we react, the classic example for me would be the eating when really the need is for rest or love or someone to just listen. Because I am not really truly asking my body what it needs I am not fulfilling the need and thus ending up on a never ending cycle until the need is met. So aha! The light bulb clicked and I am making it my goal for the week to ask not only myself but others around me what they are needing and trying to work to fulfil that specific need, hey if we all tried a little more listening and less assuming wouldn't we all be in a more content place. (don't you just love the way conferences give you the warm fuzzies!!)

Holiday over - back to the real world

Have been off in the South Island for a Montessori teaching conference, have lots of processing to do about a little nigglies that finally went click. But right now off to restock the cupboards and fridge but will be back to make sure I commit what I am feeling to paper so if everything goes mental I have some sanity to return to.

Fed up! Warning vent in progress.

Today I am fed up - with everything. I am fed up with being fat,I am fed up with not being able to control my eating, I am fed up with telling myself that today I will be good and within hours it turns to custard, I am fed up with how much my weight effects my moods, I am fed up with the fact that I feel the most comfortable on the couch and I am too scared to get out of my comfort zone, I am fed up with turning to food when I feel fed up, I am fed up with seeing my daughter following the same food patterns as me and making her my accomplice in my eating - she is only 3 1/2, I am fed up with friends and family expecting me to fail, I am fed up with my husband for giving in to me and getting me the food I ask for, I am fed up with myself for not being strong enough to say no when he comes home with junk, I am fed up because there is so much I want to do but either can't or are to scared to attempt because of my weight, I am fed up with the fact we live in a society that doesn't allow me to be me, I am fed up with the fact I have brought into this mind set and I am especially fed up with feeling so angry about the position that I am in yet I put myself in it.

Who ate the easter bunny?

I probably did and if it wasn't him I ate many of his offspring. Friday was good I actually fooled myself into believing that I could get through easter without a chocolate induced episode .... well I didn't have a choclate episode but I did have many many many hot x cross bun episodes. In avoiding the chocolate I turned to those soft squishy butter loaded fruity buns mmmmmmmmmmmmm (and then ate the chocolate). Thought I would only have one maybe two but you see hot cross buns come in packs of six! So Saturday was bad leading to a really really bad Sunday ending in an off the scales Monday. So Monday night I sat (well lounged due to the bottle of Cats Piss wine - yes it really is a brand and its yummy) and thought well holiday over back to it tomorrow, put this holiday caos behind me.......

Got up this morning and it happened again. I wasn't prepared and after eating breakfast didn't eat anything until three where I consumed (and by this I mean shovelled so quickly into my gob I didn't actually taste anything) One piece of KFC chicken, a zinger burger, large fries and an entire family sized bag of peanut M&Ms. What is happening to me? I can see the 90s in the distant and thats where I wanted to keep them. A few weeks ago I stood on the scales and actually saw the 70s, a number I haven't seen in over six years (actually took me a couple of seconds to recognise what the number was!!) and here I am sabotaging myself. Stop this train I want to get off!!

Get past the first chapter!

Okay so maybe I should have read past the first chapter. Then I would have read the bit about learning to hear real hunger and asking yourself if you are hungry or emotional before eating rather then just reading eat what you want girl cause you want it. So after my little hiccup start I have today I again started to trust my body - must admit not completely because on the fridge I have my trusty WW fridge tracker and have been writing down what I eat and how many points I have used - but I have been steering my focus away from the points and concentrating on how my body feels. Here I am after dinner feeling satisfied and on my points tracker is says that I am only 1/2 a point over so hey I might have something more later, I might not but I feel free to choose. How exciting all this experimenting is!! Bit like being a teenager again LOL! One day of easter down and no chocolate coma, three days to go.

Reality calling!!

What exactly was I thinking? When I read that you can eat what you body wants, trust your body blah blah, I was like white on rice (did I just day that?!), I thought yes! that is me! that is what I need to do! What a load of crap! Yes I agree that sometimes instead of pretending you are not lusting over those mini morsels of delight that they call donut holes (even the name screams yummmmmmy!) just have one, get it over with! Instead of teasing yourself. But my fat soaked brain heard yeah baby free for all lets go! Well the results of that little experiment - a sore tummy and 300 grams appeared where maybe a hip bone should be amerging. So what is next for this chick? Well lets start at the beginning - food in - exercise out.
What works for me:
*Having structure
*Eating regulary - 3 hours - after that I turn into demon woman
*Exercising regulary
*Competition - love it,love it and did I mention I love it (except if there is a chance I might actually lose!)
*Support from those around me - active, not just the 'are you still trying to lose weight'
*Keeping busy
So these are the things that I am going to try and highlight and hopefully they will make up for the areas I fall down in especially the emotional eating. So am I going to trust my body - yes! but its time to cut the crap and get on with it.
Reminder to self eating healthy and doing some exercise is not going to kill me, sitting on the couch stuffing my face with chocolate bunnies will!!

Hungry?

Last night I started reading a book about letting go of emotional eating (see last post!) and one point that really stuck out was the deprevation that happens when we are on a 'diet'. While on a diet when we get hungry or crave for something, say a lindt chocolate bunny, we are instantly told to find an alternative which means maybe we look into our pot of low fat/low point goodies but we haven't satisfied our craving for the particular food so we consume all the low fat goodies and then eat what we wanted in the first place but maybe instead of just one we eat 5, ending up consuming twice the calories we would have if we had just allowed ourselves the treat in the first place. This for me is so true I find myself denying foods for so long and denying what my body is craving that instead of just having one or a little bit I try to be'good'and then end up gorging the equivalent of my body weight in the food I wanted in the first place. So for the next couple of days I am going to try and listen to what I am really hungry for and then have it. I think it is about time that I start trusting my body and myself to not make harmful decisions. Does this sound a little crazy?! To be honest it scares the beejesus out of me to not have rules to follow for a couple of days but I just want to see what happens, I want to see if my body goes crazy and I clear out the bakery or maybe knowing that I can have anything could mean that I don't want anything (if that makes sense) - yes maybe I will gain a few kilos but what if it's okay, what if I find that I can trust my body and can stop this roller coaster with food? Wouldn't it be worth it?

Seeing RED!

Well the meltdown came in the form of - white and dark chocolate biscuits, 3 sausages, 3 rolls dripping with butter and cheese and six chocolate covered donuts. Even just writing that makes me feel sick! And the only reason that I can give is that right now I am angry! Not the kind of want to hurt someone angry just angry Angry at what I have no idea (I never said I was sane), I just feel this anger at everything and everyone. I guess that's why they call it emotional eating I am stuffing down what I am angry at and because I have been doing it for so long I now have no idea what the real issue is. There could be lots of little things that set me off - uni, my husband, kids, other people - but I am sure there must be something bigger for my anger to be this big, it almost seems selfish to feel like this, there are so many other people who are worse off and have real reasons to feel angry and frustrated but I can't help it, the only thing that seems to stop it consuming me is eating. I go into a black mood, eat whatever is not tied down and then I feel okay - almost like I have let my feelings out but really I haven't. ARRRRGGGHHHH! Sorry this is such a rambling just needed to vent a bit. Tomorrow is a new day and all that.

Feeling fit, feeling fine

Isn't it amazing that just one day of eating well, doing a bit of the old treadmill and getting through the day without wanting to stick my head into a vat of choclate makes you feel like this could actually be possible. Really isn't that all the weight loss journey is stringing these types of days together, with a couple of melt downs thrown in to keep things real. I know that it is harder than this but today I feel like it is a walk in the park - tomorrow it may be a walk through a mine field so I will take the good where I can.
So *hooray for me* - hey if you don't cheer yourself on who will :O)

Resettlement

Well its been a while and while I have been away there has been a resettlement - of the fat the hangs over my girlie bits. Think some people call it an apron well mine could be a whole pinnie. I have gained 1.5 kilos!! Of pure unadultered chocolate. I used to like chocolate, enjoyed the odd bar now and then but now I am the queen of the cocoa bean, my blood oozes caremello. So what do I do??? Well my plan is to get (again!!) back on the bus (if I can still fit through the doors) and keep going! In three weeks I begin my last teaching placement and this has always been a danger zone for me so I need to get my head back into *positive head space* man. So this weeks plan is get sugar points down to 14 (arrggghh - the head aches), drink 2-3 litres of water per day, do the WWA easter walking challenge (awesome site - link on my side bar), write a distraction list and go there first before reaching for THE FOOD. Reward is to have a coffee at bookstore with Mum and only Seb (my baby boy!), it'll be great to get some quiet time without having to think about assignments, cleaning the house, and keeping husband and three year old in line. So here goes...

Chocolate dipped

Well its been one of those weeks where I could have quite easily chocolate dipped my offspring and devoured them with a cold beer. Gained 400g - bit of a shock but probably not a big surprise. Getting a bit fed up actually - my weight and food issues seem so deep set that I would have to dig to China to get to the bottom of things (and probably while I was there deplete their country of wontons). This week I started to look at the 10 winning habits stuff from WW thinking that maybe they might know what they are talking about and I have started working on a coupld of them:
*Being active - this one I have pretty much got done - I have actually started to enjoy exercise and find that I now just move more in general.
*Sort Surroundings - this one is okay, the house is 90% free of temptation foods, the only issue here is that I buy Jade snacks (!) that really she doesn't need either so this one is just a matter of stopping her snacks.
*Plan Ahead - Have done a plan for each day - haven't followed it 100% but at least I have planned and it makes me think before I eat (well sometimes)
and my latest working on habit that I started this weekend was making wise food choices and this is where it kind of fell apart (atom bomb style). I know what I should be eating, I know what I shouldn't be eating but still I eat - so I have come to the conclusion that my eating is an emotional problem (duh!) and if I get that one little thing sorted I will be fine (hehehehehehe).

The eighth wonder of the world

Weigh in last night. And I lost ... 1.1kgs!! What the....?! My theory is that the week before was so bad that my slip up this week didn't even register to badly on the ricter scale, so I will happily take my loss and use it to keep me motivated for this week. My first big hurdle is this weekend, Dad is taking my little girl and usually when she is around it seems that my little demons take over and its takeaways, dining out, eating crap, drinking wine (hmmm maybe I could just have a couple) - rather odd the rituals we have don't you think. So I have asked my husband if this weekend can be less about the food and more about enjoying ourselves, then when he asked me 'okay what you want to do?' I was stumped- what do you do if you are not eating?! Hopefully I will work this one out before Dad comes to pick her up.

My challenge this week is tackling my emotional eating. My plan is to draw up a distraction list and if I get 'The Urge' I will first have to go through my distraction list and actually do everything and if I am still hungry afterwards than I will have something. Sounds like a good theory right and I guess that is what this weight loss journey is all about trying out new theories and finding one that works.

Discovery

I have just discovered another habit and thought I had better write about it before I began my denial process and it disappeared. Today I went to the shops to buy my daughter some play whistles (who said bribery!!)and while I was there I kept looking for something to eat even though I actually didn't have one of my normal cravings (that could get someone killed if they got in front of me) I really felt like nothing so what happened I just grabbed anything. That anything was custard scrolls (4 pack), kinder bar, bottle of wine and a bag of chips - AND I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE ANYTHING!! So I think that for me I associate eating with cues - like going to the supermarket, movies, shopping, visiting, holidays, weekends, friday night, sitting in the bath (it was only once!!). So another habit to work on to add to the list, hey but I am making progress at least now I can recognise what I am doing even if I am still at the stage where I am not stopping myself.

Health binge?!?

After last weeks weigh in I was on a roll and had a plan and that plan lasted for three days - Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Now I am actually rather pleased with myself for that because its about the first time I have got through a weekend with out ending up drooling over the cake counter. I thought I had it sorted because I had cleared out the cupboards (trying very hard not to eat everything instead of throwing it away) and stacking them with healthly low fat food choices, believing that once my surroundings were sorted I would be okay but no it seems that my surroundings are only the tip of the iceberg. In the last couple of days I have chomped my way through healthy snacks galore, so I am still eating the amount of food to feed an African nation but now its just healthy. So today during one of my hand-mouth sessions I thought about why I was doing it and the reason - I WAS BORED - bored out of my mind, in fact so bored I could have chewed my arm off for a bit of entertainment. Crappy weather, baby fast asleep and the only things left to do were housework (arrrgggh!), assignments (AAARRRGGGHH!) or eat (mmmmmm). What is it about eating that feels so damn good? I wasn't chowing down on chocolate covered donuts I was eating crackers for goodness sake with some diet coke to wash it down! Now I thought that when you started eating healthy you didn't eat as much but no I can still put away a six pack of yoghurt as quickly as a six pack of beer (doesn't seem to have the same effect though). So two days till weigh in day and for now I am going to just keep my surroundings safe and next week I will work on why I eat. Just have to remember this weigh loss stuff will take some time and isn't a quick fix - I need chocolate!!

Bring it on!!

Today was the weigh in.....900...on! But it's not like I can sob why! into my skinny latte, I bloody know why! The donuts, the chocolate, the extra helpings of chinese, in fact I might have even eaten the little boy who delivers the local paper. But even though I am doing so well at the face stuffing (with jaw muscles that have been worked to olympic standard) and they are thinking of declaring me 'donut queen 2006, tonight my little (well younger) sister joined WW and to me that spells out put down the food and BRING IT ON GIRL!! Not that I am overly competitive or anything ha! She is a virgin WW so it will be experience verses enthusiasm and I will not go down without a fight.

I have noticed after reading other weight loss blogs, while eating chocolate (bit like reading a slimming magazine with a packet of tim tams or is that just me?) that there are three main things all the successful girls seem to have in common 1)Planning - everything is planned, meals and exercise are carefully plotted out whether it be for a day or week 2)Challenges - everyone is on some sort of challenge and 3)Rewards - rewards for getting to a certain goal, completing a challenge or for just plan getting through the week without making attempts to deplete the world of whittakers santa bars (yummmmmmm). So my mission for tomorrow is to come up with a plan, a challenge and a reward for this week - note to self rewarding with a KFC family feast for being good all week is NOT a valid reward.

Warning Meltdown in Progress!!

The weekend is over and I have sunk into a weight loss nightmare. You know how once you have let yourself have that one bite, that one lick and before you know it you are lying under a blanket of chocolate wrappers and empty donut containers - well that's where I am now. I thought that I was leaving this land behind but unfortunately it followed me and appears to have attached itself to any part of my body it could get a hold of. I am not quite sure how to get out of it, I keep thinking that at the bottom of the cake box there may be some infinite wisdom but no matter how many cakes I go through I still haven't found it. Exercise has also become a distant memory and my treadmill is starting to look like a great clothes line. So all in all I feel fat, overwhlemed and darn well over the whole thing.

Shall we take it from the top then?

Well this morning I lay in bed staring at the ceiling and told myself that I really should vaccum in the corners before the cobwebs took over the room and that there was no way that I was going to the weight watchers meeting this morning. Images of the weigher leaping up from her seat and screaming 'you fat cow!! Nobody in the history of WW has ever put on that much weight in one week!!'ran through my head but then I remembered that when I began WW this time I would go each week regardless of what had gone on or what I thought might happen, I would go and keep going until I left my fat arse behind. So that's what I did - I got up and went. And yes the results were bad but the world didn't collapse and nobody laughed (well not to my face anyway). Hey, so I gained 1.3 kilos, it just means this week I have to work harder and the local donut shop might go bust without my custom but I know the damage and I am facing the crimes committed.

This weekend might be a bit of a doozy (or is that boozy) a friends wedding down the line - so weekend away with only one child - the nice wee quiet baby one and an unlimited supply of wine and good food. Now usually I would think bugger it I'm away its a celebration lets have a party in my mouth but this time I am not thinking that (well gritting my teeth and trying to keep myself distracted from those thoughts - Orlando Bloom and his magic bow and arrow seems to work!) All I keep telling myself is get through this weekend and you are one step closer to your goal and for the next wedding I will look even hotter! So new day, new week - take it from the top!

You are what you eat!

There I was, 8.30 this evening and feeling like a giant wonton. I had just eaten five of them with a generous serving of fried rice and sweet and sour pork and in the back of my mind I heard the dreaded "you have a weigh in tomorrow!!" yet the part of my brain that calls the greasy, fat seemed to be screaming louder "go girl". Yeah right go girl straight to fat camp, don't pass KFC and collect the 40 piece pack!! So I knew that I needed to get real and part of getting real is sharing with any unfortuate poor soul who happens to stumble onto my blog, my journey to skinnydoom, to be able to shop in the skinny bitches shops (SBS), to be free from the call of the donut, the allure of the smell of freshly cooked bread (okay now I'm hungry!). I think by sharing I will admit things I have been to scared to admit and maybe become more accountable for why I have been overweight for most of my adult life. My motto has been 'if noone sees you eat it the calories don't count', but having this blog means that I feel like big brother is looking out for me and I had better not be caught with mock cream and icing sugar around my mouth.

I have been on Weight watchers for six weeks now. Huh! Who am I kidding?! I should rephrase that I have been going to weight watchers meetings and paying my $15.90 for six weeks now and yes I have lost a bit ofweight - 1.6kgs and I guess it isn't so bad considering that I am breastfeeding and get to eat 32 points per day - yes he will be breastfeeding until he is 15! But realistically the weight I have lost has been nothing to do with hard work, I only manage to follow program for three days out of seven and try to gt away with the least amount of exercise possible. So now I want to be healthy (and look good naked of course!). I have had enough of the zepplin in a condom look and avoiding at all costs the dreaded dressing rooms at clothing stores aka torture chambers. So here's to being honest, being real and looking sexy in a pair of size 12 levi's.