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I feel like I have just been hit by a brick. I don't even know how to write this postbut I know I need to get out what is happening so when things are okay again I can read back and find out what is going on.

Since 11.30am this morning I have been binge eating - everything I could possibly find including going down the road and spending money I know I really can't afford and buying more. Something has changed though usually I would not feel anything while I am eating I am almost numb but today I have cried from the time I opened my second chocolate bar until now. I have cried because I have tried to feel the pain and although I was eating trying to stuff it down I think it has got to a point where I knew I need to acknowledge it. This is what I realised.

I eat because I am frustrated, lonely and tired. I love my little boy to death but I need a break. I have pretty much had him for six months 24 hours a day except for the five weeks I was on teaching placement but even then I had to skip lunch and work around feeding him and once I got home from looking after little ones he was there. There are people that I could ask to look after him but when I ask it seems like I am asking for the world not just a couple of hours and they manage to make me feel like a terrible mother because I need the time. I must admit my husband tries but he just doesn't get it - he tries to work the children into his schedule not just working to their needs and so he gets angry and they get upset so it is just easier for me to do it rather than having people yelling and screaming around me.

Most of my friends don't have children. The one friend who understands whatI am going through and has a young baby lives in a different city and ringing her means large phone bills (DH not happy about this one). I never joined the coffee groups because to me most of them are just a way for mums to compare and talk babies. I don't want to compare babies! Baby boy also won't have a bar of the bottle so even the attempt to wean is more frustrating then having sore bitten nipples (bottom teeth are through) and sleepless nights.

Is it any wonder I have turned to food. It's my comfort, my way out, the one thing that is not judging or wanting something from me right now. How can I possibly get out of this cycle?