I Sick!

I am sick!! Just as things were starting to get good with the exercise I get sick. So in bad mood, have evaluation tomorrow, notes aren't even slightly ready, assignments now starting to be due and all I want to do is go to bed!!!

Yay me!!

Thought it was time that I gave myself a pat on the back. Three days with a big tick...have I mentioned that I LOVE NO COUNT! Still checking my points at the end of the day to see if they fall around range hoepfully soon I can let that go and just enjoy my food with no guilt or pointing. Guess what!! I have even done some jogging - two - three minutes during a 30 minutes walk. Now for some that is nothing but for a chick who has never run a day in her life and has 38DD to control its a bleedin' miracle! Man these endorphin things are good - where can I buy a bottle!

Make that biljinin and one

Today I rejoined Weight Watchers. When we went away for the conference I stopped going and just used the online tools, believing that I could go it alone. Now I have realised I can't - just yet anyway. So I rejoined and standing on the scales I am glad I did - 84.9!!! Man ifI had left it any later 90 was calling around the corner and I told myself after I had S that the number was gone for good. So back to WW and back on No Count. Even though I love the concept and doing No Count I am still a little nervous - like was this gain because of my last two weeks on NC or was it maybe the extras around NC. So will give it another couple of weeks and see how it goes. NC is good in that I don't obsess and feel like I am in control rather than a diet in control of me. Bit of a hiccups tonight though rugby for me since I was little equals beer and chips (rashuns actually), but I allowed myself one beer and didn't even have the chips (half aloaf of fresh baked bread - but no chips!). Baby steps baby steps....

Insano

First of all let me start by saying I LOVE no count!! For some reason points always did my head in and I always seem to be trying to bater with myself to find the worst food to spend my points on - thus the endless yo-yo. But No Count there is none of that you just eat the amount you need or feel like and meal over. Also I like that I might blow my allowance for the week but instead of starving like I would if I had spent all of my points in one day I just turn to no count food. So yes loving it. Couple of hiccups but feel alot more normal and not as obsessed.

Okay on to the insanity thing - last two days doing no count great then today a mini binge, the mini pig out isn't the insane part as that is part of life - the insane part is my thinking around it. I left school today on an average vibe - didn't feel good or bad about the day, picked up my daughter then some little food demon took over and this is the conversion we had:

"Come on you have had a hard day, stop at the shops on the way home."
"No, I'm okay."
"Well J deserves a treat so stop for her and while there get something for yourself."
"She doesn't need it and I am trying to save money."
"Look you have had no blow outs for two days it's about time you had one."
"Okay that makes sense." What the...?! How could it possibly make sense that I deserve to have a pig out because I had been on a roll the last couple of days.

The result J got a chocolate treat something we are trying to avoid with her and I got my Kit Kat temptation (yum!!), giant bag of cheezels (so not worth it) and topped it off with my frankenstein Jam sandwich. Go figure. I think I sort of know why my brain might have rebelled - I didn't have protein for lunch just soup and bread and I have found that over the last couple of days when my eating has been in control I have upped my protein and haven't had these thoughts. It's amazing how you can sabotage yourself because after this pig out I thought well bugger it lets have fish and chips for dinner, luckly I saved myself from continuing on this thinking and decided to blog instead. So I know that I need protein at lunch and after school and hopefully this will stop that niggling voice. Just got to figure out how to stop obvious self sabotage or why I am doing that.

Changes

Last night I really wanted to get some stuff off my chest and sort out how I am feeling about this slightly bumpy (LOL!) journey of mine and went to start writing stuff in my blog and got scared. When I first started this blog is was about me totally me- didn't care if it was ever read by others or not. It was a place to sort out my head and any other bits that needed dealing to. So last night I got scared off writing because of what I thought others would say, people judging me and my thoughts or feelings. So lying in bed last night I realised that hang on this place is for me and I am not competing on the best sellers list I shouldn't edit how I feel and what I write about because of those few whose mothers never told them that if they haven't got anything nice (or supportive) to say don't say anything at all (you know who you are!!). I love sharing my journey with others and hearing how other people are doing but at the same time I figure you don't like it don't read it!! How's that for "assertive" people! So for those who want to share this journey with me - love you long time and stay tuned as this is going to be a bumpy one....

Bum! Bum! Bugger!

Think my scales have it in for me - I have put on 800grams!!! I am now more than I was just after I had given birth and was still carrying fluid - back in bloody December! No count is great - in theory anyway - I can do breakfast, lunch but then come home from school and right now my frankenstein is bread and Jam (how old am I five!) and from the time I get home through till about 7.30 (the time that I start beating myself up for being such a fat pig!) I eat and eat. Today I even managed to pop off a button on my jeans whereas a few weeks agoI could go to the toliet and not have to undo them to pull them down (what an achievement!) so what's up with that. I am willing and able I just don't think my body and brain have caught up.

No Count

This week I have decided to try no count - I know a lot of people think its too restricting, well my jeans are too restricting and I need a boost. I think that on points I spend half my day trying to get a good deal what can I eat for the lowest amount of points that is MADE FROM SUGAR!! Well maybe I should start eating foods that haven't started their life as aset of numbers in a chemical recipe book. From what I have heard No Count takes a bit of getting into so I will be a bit easier on my self for the first couple of weeks, feeling my way but once those couple of weeks are up I need to take it up a notch. Hey as they say keep trying until something works, I haven't given up yet!

Stop the moaning!!

Okay have slapped myself around the face a bit after the last post because man the chick who wrote that was pathetic, giving up when it got just a little hard!! Last night I sat down and caught up on my love to read blogs and wake up call indeed. All the amazing women out there just getting on with it, yes there are times that its okay to curl up in a ball sucking your thumb but after reading my latest posts thats all I seem to be doing - looking for a quick fix and when it doesn't happen I whimper and cry about how I can't do it! So not the red-haired scorpio girl that I am! So here I am this morning after giving myself a stern talking to and I am back in the drivers seat. Today I was suppose to do the Auckland Special K duathlon but with my procrastination in full force I have not even gone for a bike ride once - so decided rather than killing myself in front of thousands of people I will set myself a 12 week challenge and after that 12 weeks will do the duathlon myself. so back to basics - I am using the WW on line tools for my food and the rule of 30 mins exercise for my exercise so thats a start. No more pity parties bex this time you will do this!!

Queen

Of Binge Eating that is. I just don't know what is wrong - what I need - what I am missing. Reading other peoples blogs I am inspired by their results and how they manage to get through and the successes that they have and I think I can do it! But you know what I don't think I can. For as long as I can remember I have been trying to loose weight and have tried everything even the crazy chew-your-food-but-don't swallow (yes - what crazy things we do at school). I must have shares in Weight Watchers and probably have paid a fair chunk of my total adult income to Jenny Craig, gyms and lets not forget the library of books that I have on every theory on how to loose weight but yet I am still here, still miserable and still overweight. I have had days that I have so thought that I have got it - this time I will so do this everything seems to be in place but I must be missing something because all to easily that falls away and I am left feeling like a failure and really worse off than before (if that is possible). I know this all sounds like a pity party but thats not what I want it to be - I am just confused and a little lost about how to get through this thing. I want my daughter to grow up without food issues. The other day I caught her sneaking food and when she is upset or tired or bored she looks for food and she is only 3 1/2 - what am I doing to her?

Where do I go from here?