WOOHOO!! and feel sick!!

WOOHOO - we have sold the house - yay for trade me only took 36 hours just have to wait for lawyers to do their thing. Feel a bit sick - cause its scary and a bit sad this was our first house and there is lots of little things we have done (and still heaps of big things to be done - thus wanting to move) like planting a same veggie garden - the veggies have only just starting to grow, painting a pink (and I mean pinkpink!) room for our daughter just finished so she won't get into it and did we sell it too cheaply. But I guess the universe is saying time to move on - new beginning so Waiuku here we come. We are looking at houses today!!! So excited!!!!

New Profile Photo

Finally a photo of me that isn't a cartoon!!! Scary really putting it out there for all to see. It is a photo of me taken about a week ago and I weigh 89.6 kilos!!!!!

Decided to nick a idea that I read in a comment post about photo updates (sorry can't remeber who but big credit to ya). I am going to buy a disposable camera and take a photo of myself after every three kilos lost and/or every month than when I finally get to goal I will take it in to get developed. Think that means I would have to do it in about a year as I am sure that the cameras expire!!!

Okay see bit by bit I am getting myself sorted - as they say how do you eat an elephant?

9 Months Pregnant!?!

Don't you sometimes wish you had a third leg so that you could kick yourself in the butt without falling over - I would gie myself a serious arse kicking right now because I was just having a nice memory moment about how my DS will soon be 1 year and this time last year I was nearly nine months pregnant! And then like a bolt of lightning - BAM!!! I was also about the same weight and bloody nine months pregnant!!! Well all I could say was frig me!! So then I read through this blog of mine that was suppose to be my inspriation and noted all my bright ideas and the not so bright ones and here I am - nearly nine months pregnant!!!!

So some serious thinking needs to be done me thinks. Yes its hard with two young children, having time to exercise, not eating their food but is it any harder than dying of a heart attack or testing my blood sugar levels four times a day as i struggle to breath due to the fat pressing down on my chest and my body rotting underneath me because I can't move and no one comes to see my any more because I beg for more food or make chomping motions at their children.....ahem....no its not harder I just have to pull my finger out and get moving, get organised, get a chocolate bar. See the root of all evil I love food!! Touching food, smelling food, tasting food even food porn (food channel, cookbooks) I can't get enough of.

Instant Gratification!

Now this is not about weight loss although I suppose in some round about way it is. I think I come from a generation where we are about the instant gratification and want everything to happen now - or at least I do!!!

We have decided to move house yahhhhhhhhh!! And such a cool house with some land and what looks like a great little community. Its in Waiuku which is about 45-60 mins out of Auckland so far enough to be no longer be a real JAFA but not so far that we can still have our fix of the best coffee from Swirl cafe.

Now here is where my wanting it all now comes in....I have applied for a teaching job at the local school and it looks like a neat school to work for also its only just down the road from the house we are probably going to buy and even though I only sent in the application on Thursday night I have already started the negative thoughts that they don't want me and I am never go to get a job - thus emotional eating. I know intellectually that the second they saw my application they were not going to ring up and offer me the job then and there and that there will be many applications that they need to go through but I HATE waiting I want to know now!!!! I want to feel secure that we will buy the house and I will have a job and everything is going to work out!!! Arrrrrgggghhhhh!!!!

Ok Go!

Is the name of a very very cool band and its also how I feel today. After my grump bitch of the last little while I had a chat with myself (Jeff (DH) thinks I am rather odd and may need help due to conversation with myself turn into arguments with myself but I think its perfectly normal!!) Anywho I read through my inspriing chicks blogs and realised how much of a cry baby I really am.

For fuck's sake girl just get on with it!!! Instead of doing things I seem to just bitch about why I can't - lordy lordy!! I have a whole box full of clothes that don't fit and a draw of t-shirts that do!! I don't think wearing t-shirts to any do's over the festive season is going to cut it so only have one choice - lose the weight!!! Okay going to stop using exclamation marks!!! Now!!!

So getting back on track with food and exercise blah blah blah. But more exciting, for me anyway, I have pulled out a book I brought a while a go called list yourself. Its all about making lists of your life and anyone who knows me knows I love making lists - might not do anything but I like to make lists okay!!

So the list for me to work on this week is.....drum roll, random page open......

List all the extravagant material goods you'd buy if you had unlimited funds

He, he well how much paper have I got. So this week I will make my list and post what I come up with. Ohohohohoh list making...ahem!

Another thing I am going to do - yes another list- the 101 in 1001. Quick google search will give you all the info for this one. It is basically a list of things you want to achieve in the next 1001 days. So gonna put mine together and get me out this 29 slump.

TFTD - Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do

What next???

Well I think I have identified a reason that I appear to be freaking out a little at the moment. I turned 29 on October 27 and ever since I have kind of felt in a little haze. Now I know 29 is not that old and 30 is the new 20 and all that but.... all my life I have had the 'by the time I am thirty......' and all my goals in life were geared up to happen by the time I was thirty - getting married, having children, buying a house, getting my degree and of course getting in shape. And now thirty is just around the corner and the only goal I haven't accomplished is the getting in shape so I think that I am scared that I won'taccomplish this one goal by next year - does that mean I will be fat for the rest of my life? Also what now that I have crossed most things off my list - what do I do now? I know that I need to come up with some new goals but I have been so focused on the ones to accomplish by the time I get to thirty that I haven't thought further ahead and I kind of feel empty.

I think 29 is the year that I need to close doors and find closure and get ready for a fresh 30 start but what happens after thirty - what is my fresh start?

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Right now I am struggling to keep afloat.

My life swings between - not eating, obsessing about eating, and binging - the middle ground appears to have gone. If I am not binging I am so anxious that I chew on my nails and almost feel like I am having a panic attack. Maybe its all of the dieting talk that has been going on around me with Sis wedding coming up, maybe its me graduating and now having to find a job. I don't know what it is but I need to stop it. Today it is a beautiful day and all I can think about is food - not taking my daughter to the beach, or playing outside or going to visit my sick grandmother - no, all I am thinking about is the next thing I will be stuffing in my mouth or how I can avoid eating tonight so I can get away with the binge I have had this afternoon.