So why then?

So why doI want to lose weight? Probably should of written this entry before today might have stopped the uncontrolable bored/anxiety binge. But hey better late than never...... here is my first five (I have challenged myself to come up with 103, why 103, I like the number three okay!) I have put them in no particular order....

1. I want to have photos that I think wow I look good instead of OMG just how many chins and rolls can you see?
2. I don't want to get diabetes - with having had gestational diabetes during both pregnancy I have a huge risk of getting Type 2 and really the only way to drop my risk is drop my weight. Say no to needles
3. I want to be a good role model for my children - especially after my daughter said to me today when we were grocery shopping "yay daddy and Seb aren't here so we can get lots of chocolate!!!!"
4. I want to enjoy summer instead of hiding away because I am too hot and everything is too tight and walking may cause thigh rubbing fire
5. I want to have GREAT SEX!!! (sorry mum!) I know Jeff loves me as I am but I am not happy as I am so our bedroom aerobics consists more of me finding ingenious ways to hide my wobbly bits

oooooooo have to add number six

6. I want to fit into my size 12 lee jeans again!! booohoooo

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO got job interview at school in Waiuku on Wednesday!! God now I have to find something to wear!!!!!!!!!!

Actions speak louder than words

But at the moment I am all about the talk and not enough about the actions. In all of this time that I have had a blog I have realised that I have all the ideas in the world and I could apply for an honourary degree in Nutrition and exercise. I know what to do, when to do it and howmuch I should be doing or having the part I am missing is how to put it into practise.

Today I feel crappy I have gotten to the point where I know I am just about to gain a whole lotta weight - you know the feeling everything feels tight - my clothes, my skin and whenever I sit I have to pull my tshirt out of my rolls and then can feel them folding over each other and over my jeans. Jeans that were a few months ago starting to look like needed replacing as they were starting to hang off my arse, now my arse is threatning to spill over the top. I am now hitching them up not because they are too big but because the fat is working its way out the top.

Oh Rebecca, Rebecca, Rebecca woo is me!!!! LOL!! Right now I have to laugh cause I may cry - I have done this to myself and am currently using every excuse in the book - kids, moving house, rejection letters, low energy, they were there and I have to eat them rather than throw them out!!!! COME ON REBECCA!!! (Insert hit to forhead!)

So I am going to go away now (no!! not to finish the bag of salt n vinegar chip my husband (aka feeder fred) brought yesterday and left sitting in full view on the bench) I am going to go away and decide why do I want to lose weight - move towards something I want instead of something I don't want (yes being a stay at home mum means I watch Dr Phil).............

Broke!!!

WE BROUGHT A NEW HOUSE!!!! Yay us! Wonderful house lots of room huge backyard and peaceful surroundings what more could we ask for. Next in my dream book a bloody job to help pay for it and size 12 lee jeans! heheheheh

This weeks weigh in was rather tragic although probably got off lightly - gained 100grams. Now I can't wait for maintenance because for the last 17 weeks I have pretty much maintained my weight give or take a kilo or so and I am so over myself and self sabotage. So my plan is to take one day at a time, forget about yesterday and plan for tomorrow.

Plan for this week: 50,000 steps by the end of the week, eat my fruit servings and track everything I eat. Small steps equals small butt.

WOOHOO!! and feel sick!!

WOOHOO - we have sold the house - yay for trade me only took 36 hours just have to wait for lawyers to do their thing. Feel a bit sick - cause its scary and a bit sad this was our first house and there is lots of little things we have done (and still heaps of big things to be done - thus wanting to move) like planting a same veggie garden - the veggies have only just starting to grow, painting a pink (and I mean pinkpink!) room for our daughter just finished so she won't get into it and did we sell it too cheaply. But I guess the universe is saying time to move on - new beginning so Waiuku here we come. We are looking at houses today!!! So excited!!!!

New Profile Photo

Finally a photo of me that isn't a cartoon!!! Scary really putting it out there for all to see. It is a photo of me taken about a week ago and I weigh 89.6 kilos!!!!!

Decided to nick a idea that I read in a comment post about photo updates (sorry can't remeber who but big credit to ya). I am going to buy a disposable camera and take a photo of myself after every three kilos lost and/or every month than when I finally get to goal I will take it in to get developed. Think that means I would have to do it in about a year as I am sure that the cameras expire!!!

Okay see bit by bit I am getting myself sorted - as they say how do you eat an elephant?

9 Months Pregnant!?!

Don't you sometimes wish you had a third leg so that you could kick yourself in the butt without falling over - I would gie myself a serious arse kicking right now because I was just having a nice memory moment about how my DS will soon be 1 year and this time last year I was nearly nine months pregnant! And then like a bolt of lightning - BAM!!! I was also about the same weight and bloody nine months pregnant!!! Well all I could say was frig me!! So then I read through this blog of mine that was suppose to be my inspriation and noted all my bright ideas and the not so bright ones and here I am - nearly nine months pregnant!!!!

So some serious thinking needs to be done me thinks. Yes its hard with two young children, having time to exercise, not eating their food but is it any harder than dying of a heart attack or testing my blood sugar levels four times a day as i struggle to breath due to the fat pressing down on my chest and my body rotting underneath me because I can't move and no one comes to see my any more because I beg for more food or make chomping motions at their children.....ahem....no its not harder I just have to pull my finger out and get moving, get organised, get a chocolate bar. See the root of all evil I love food!! Touching food, smelling food, tasting food even food porn (food channel, cookbooks) I can't get enough of.

Instant Gratification!

Now this is not about weight loss although I suppose in some round about way it is. I think I come from a generation where we are about the instant gratification and want everything to happen now - or at least I do!!!

We have decided to move house yahhhhhhhhh!! And such a cool house with some land and what looks like a great little community. Its in Waiuku which is about 45-60 mins out of Auckland so far enough to be no longer be a real JAFA but not so far that we can still have our fix of the best coffee from Swirl cafe.

Now here is where my wanting it all now comes in....I have applied for a teaching job at the local school and it looks like a neat school to work for also its only just down the road from the house we are probably going to buy and even though I only sent in the application on Thursday night I have already started the negative thoughts that they don't want me and I am never go to get a job - thus emotional eating. I know intellectually that the second they saw my application they were not going to ring up and offer me the job then and there and that there will be many applications that they need to go through but I HATE waiting I want to know now!!!! I want to feel secure that we will buy the house and I will have a job and everything is going to work out!!! Arrrrrgggghhhhh!!!!

Ok Go!

Is the name of a very very cool band and its also how I feel today. After my grump bitch of the last little while I had a chat with myself (Jeff (DH) thinks I am rather odd and may need help due to conversation with myself turn into arguments with myself but I think its perfectly normal!!) Anywho I read through my inspriing chicks blogs and realised how much of a cry baby I really am.

For fuck's sake girl just get on with it!!! Instead of doing things I seem to just bitch about why I can't - lordy lordy!! I have a whole box full of clothes that don't fit and a draw of t-shirts that do!! I don't think wearing t-shirts to any do's over the festive season is going to cut it so only have one choice - lose the weight!!! Okay going to stop using exclamation marks!!! Now!!!

So getting back on track with food and exercise blah blah blah. But more exciting, for me anyway, I have pulled out a book I brought a while a go called list yourself. Its all about making lists of your life and anyone who knows me knows I love making lists - might not do anything but I like to make lists okay!!

So the list for me to work on this week is.....drum roll, random page open......

List all the extravagant material goods you'd buy if you had unlimited funds

He, he well how much paper have I got. So this week I will make my list and post what I come up with. Ohohohohoh list making...ahem!

Another thing I am going to do - yes another list- the 101 in 1001. Quick google search will give you all the info for this one. It is basically a list of things you want to achieve in the next 1001 days. So gonna put mine together and get me out this 29 slump.

TFTD - Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do

What next???

Well I think I have identified a reason that I appear to be freaking out a little at the moment. I turned 29 on October 27 and ever since I have kind of felt in a little haze. Now I know 29 is not that old and 30 is the new 20 and all that but.... all my life I have had the 'by the time I am thirty......' and all my goals in life were geared up to happen by the time I was thirty - getting married, having children, buying a house, getting my degree and of course getting in shape. And now thirty is just around the corner and the only goal I haven't accomplished is the getting in shape so I think that I am scared that I won'taccomplish this one goal by next year - does that mean I will be fat for the rest of my life? Also what now that I have crossed most things off my list - what do I do now? I know that I need to come up with some new goals but I have been so focused on the ones to accomplish by the time I get to thirty that I haven't thought further ahead and I kind of feel empty.

I think 29 is the year that I need to close doors and find closure and get ready for a fresh 30 start but what happens after thirty - what is my fresh start?

Untitled

Right now I am struggling to keep afloat.

My life swings between - not eating, obsessing about eating, and binging - the middle ground appears to have gone. If I am not binging I am so anxious that I chew on my nails and almost feel like I am having a panic attack. Maybe its all of the dieting talk that has been going on around me with Sis wedding coming up, maybe its me graduating and now having to find a job. I don't know what it is but I need to stop it. Today it is a beautiful day and all I can think about is food - not taking my daughter to the beach, or playing outside or going to visit my sick grandmother - no, all I am thinking about is the next thing I will be stuffing in my mouth or how I can avoid eating tonight so I can get away with the binge I have had this afternoon.

My new blog

Time for a face lift!!!



beach babe in the making

Edited 3 Nov - I have come back to bex actually!!

Do Over - Gunna Girl to Action Girl

Do you have times in your life you wish you coul just do over? Rewind and start again? Well that's what I do with my weight loss. I had decided that I was going to start a new blog and just pretend that up until now never existed - I do the same each time I start a new diet, or new lifestyle I buy new notebooks, new places to record weight and what I have eaten, a new WW passport but you know what it doesn;t erase what has happened before or how you got to where you are no matter what we are a product of our past and our actions. So here I am back to my old blog and doing a do over - I acknowledge that up till now hasn't worked and thats okay. Succeeding is about getting back on the horse more times than you fall off.

When reading through what I had written up until now I realised that I am a 'gunna' girl as those who know me will whole heartedly agree!! I am gunna do this, gunna do that and I start out with good intentions but never actually get into action. It's easier to say and a bit harder to do so this part of my journey is about letting go of the gunna girl and committing myself to becoming action girl - ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!

Rejoining

In my journey to 'no more dieting' I have realised an essential element is missing and is something which I think is a main factor is sucess. Group support - for those 'dieting' there are classess to go to or girlfriends to talk with, even everyday mags support those on diets with their hints and tips. But I can't seem to find the equivlant that is not centered around 'the diet' - just somewhere to go and talk tips and strategies, a place where people on the same journey can get together. If somone knows of such a place let me know - blogs are great but I really need group face to face stuff so......I am rejoining WW!! Not for the diet I am fine with getting in touch with my hunger and I don't want to become obsessed with points or 'good/bad' food - I just want to be with others who have the same feelings and thoughts I do and are on the same journey. The meeting that I used to go to on Saturday morning was great for that it was like the WW plan was happening in the background - the leader actually discussed dealing with feelings and learning to feel our hunger and understood that this was about a life commitment not just until we got back into those sexy size 12s. So that's my plan and I am sure there are the purist out there that will rant that I am supporting dieting culture by paying to go to the meetings and in no time at all I will be sucked back into following a set of outside rules but I am stronger than that and I figure that knowing that I need group support which WW meetings give me is a plus on my side - sure I might adopt one or two of their tips but I know that even though I have gained weight since I gave dieting away I also know that I am happier and feel more free than I have in a long time and I am not going to give up that feeling anytime soon.

Your Hair Should Be Orange

Expressive, deep, and one of a kind. You pull off "weird" well - hardly anyone notices.

What's Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

Living in the binge

Today I binged - now usually this would involve feelings of numbness and or guilt but today I took the advice of Geneen Roth and 'lived in my binge'. I could feel it coming my heart starting racing and I get restless, almost panicky - so I took a deep breath and had a chat with myself
'okay Bex, a binge is coming on do you want to go with it''
'Yes!'
'okay lets go with it but maybe this time lets try to be more concious of what we are feeling?'
So I brought my chips, donuts and chocolate - all the time being aware of what I was feeling and what my thoughts were. Then I got home laid out the food and began to eat. I knew I was eating in response to something emotional so why was I eating?
So now I had to go back in time to figure out why I was feeling the way I was and what I was turning to food for. In Geneen Roth's book she talks about there always being a trigger for a binging session and to find it we have to sort through what has happened and find the trigger.
Something that I thought was just triggered today because I felt like the big whale at the pilates class I went to this morning actually went back to yesterday morning and a project I am involved in setting up a Montessori school - with the project I feel like I am not being listened to yet I am also expected to do more than my share even though I am the only one with children including a young baby at home. So my binge today was caused by my feelings yesterday of being stretched too far and for me food is the only thing that doesn't want something from me and allows me to switch off.
So today yes I binged but today I was awake during the binge and discovered a feeling that I think has been buried for awhile so now what to do about it and you know what it starts with asking my husband to look after the kids while I have a long needed nap and time out.

Balance

Last little while has been spent trying to get out of the dieting frame of mind so I have felt a little off balance. I guess it must be what riding a bike is like after you take off the trainer wheels - it has been bumpy and I still feel a little anxious when I eat something that on a diet would be considered 'bad' but I am starting to see foods as all equal a little more (just). The books from Geneen Roth and www.everywomanhasaneatingdisorder.blogspot.com has really given me a lot to think about and advice. The place that I am at now though is the place where I know that I can eat what I want but I also know that there needs to be a healthy balance of food in my life, not just for me but for my children. I want them to grow up with wanting and having a wide range of foods and on a daily basis having a healthy balance diet which also includes eating what they want when they are hungry. My question is though after years of dieting what is a healthy balanced diet - no carbs, no fat, high carbs, high protein, calories, points, three meals only????? I don't know what it means to just eat a balanced diet!!!

While I have been experimenting with honouring what my body wants I seem to push my body into having something I know it doesn't. Like for lunch I really wanted I ham sandwich but the f'ed up voice in my head said 'hey chick you are not on a diet have something naughty something with lots of calories- you are allowed so go for it.' So in my rebellious state I do what it says even though all I really wanted was a ham sandwich. So I know that this is going to take practise and the balance found.

I can definately say though that I am starting to feel so much better about myself, my relationship with food and sure that I can finally conqueror this thing.

Ouch!!

I took a bit of a break for a couple of days from the world and I have just spent the last couple of hours catching up on blogs - whack!!- reality stuck. One of the blogs was a heartbreaking account of a very cool chick losing her baby at 16 weeks. It made me realise that I am sooooo incredibly lucky to have two wonderful wee ones even if I am tired and grumpy and would love a great nights sleep - there are women out there that would give anything to soothe their babies cries at all hours of the night or find playdough in the plug hole! So tonight I am going to kiss them a few more extra times and smile when my baby boy cries for my attention at 2am, 4am and 6am.

Last weekend I bit the bullet and joined the gym and this past Monday I had my first session and guess what today was the first day I could actually walk again!! OMG am I really that out of shape!! I bitched and moaned through the session with the trainer - as I was running two steps at a time up two flights of stairs...while holding a medicine ball - but like she said I will thank her come summer. HMMMMMM she better be right!

Unititled

I feel like I have just been hit by a brick. I don't even know how to write this postbut I know I need to get out what is happening so when things are okay again I can read back and find out what is going on.

Since 11.30am this morning I have been binge eating - everything I could possibly find including going down the road and spending money I know I really can't afford and buying more. Something has changed though usually I would not feel anything while I am eating I am almost numb but today I have cried from the time I opened my second chocolate bar until now. I have cried because I have tried to feel the pain and although I was eating trying to stuff it down I think it has got to a point where I knew I need to acknowledge it. This is what I realised.

I eat because I am frustrated, lonely and tired. I love my little boy to death but I need a break. I have pretty much had him for six months 24 hours a day except for the five weeks I was on teaching placement but even then I had to skip lunch and work around feeding him and once I got home from looking after little ones he was there. There are people that I could ask to look after him but when I ask it seems like I am asking for the world not just a couple of hours and they manage to make me feel like a terrible mother because I need the time. I must admit my husband tries but he just doesn't get it - he tries to work the children into his schedule not just working to their needs and so he gets angry and they get upset so it is just easier for me to do it rather than having people yelling and screaming around me.

Most of my friends don't have children. The one friend who understands whatI am going through and has a young baby lives in a different city and ringing her means large phone bills (DH not happy about this one). I never joined the coffee groups because to me most of them are just a way for mums to compare and talk babies. I don't want to compare babies! Baby boy also won't have a bar of the bottle so even the attempt to wean is more frustrating then having sore bitten nipples (bottom teeth are through) and sleepless nights.

Is it any wonder I have turned to food. It's my comfort, my way out, the one thing that is not judging or wanting something from me right now. How can I possibly get out of this cycle?

Diet detox

When I first said okay no more dieting Bex! It was cool, felt at ease then day two and my body kinda did the you can eat what you want again no rules so go for it and I ate and ate all of the things that I had restricted because of 'dieting', thank goodness I knew this was a normal part of 'diet detox' and just went with it. Well reactive eating no more - after eating chips for dinner last night and not really enjoying them I realised it was time to put the reactive eating behind me and start looking at what I was going to do to get myself healthy and fit again.

So this morning I turned to my low GI foods that I was eating when I was pregnant and actually enjoyed - while I was pregnant I wasn't dieting and just focused on being healthy by eating the low GI foods and keeping myself satisfied and I lost 11 kilos!! It took 9 months to do but hey if I was 11 kilos lighter in 9 months from now I'd be happy. Eating low GI foods stops the dietng thinking because by eating low GI foods your tummy is full, your bloood sugar levels stay more stable which means your moods do to, and I know thatmost of my eating is done not because I am hungry but because of what my moods dictate I eat. One part that I will take from the old dieting is the keeping a food diary but instead of points I am going to write down - What I ate, was I hungry? if not what was I feeling? and what was I doing when I was eating ie: sitting at the table, watching TV - because I am sure that the amount I eat relates to what I am doing at the time. Who hasn't eaten an entire family block of chocolate in front of the TV without realising it and blamed the husband/kids/dog for eating it all up!!

Bit lovin'

Part of this journey of discovery (man it sounds like I am off to find the lost city!) is discovering what feels right for my body, not just what a diet says is right for my body. So I have decided to write the things as I discover what is right for my body, mind and soul (after all I am just more than boobs and hips) and what's not.

What's Right!
*Whole grain bread - Its fills me up, it keeps me going - It satisfies my need for bread without inducing a binging episode.
*Nuts - After years of being told by 'diets' that nuts were a bit of a no no I have started enjoying them again. I love raw mixed nuts, I love the crunch and they always hit the empty spot. I also know that nuts level out my blood sugars.
*Candles - I have about a jillion candles in my house and all of them are gorgeous and till now I have been doing the 'save them for a special occassion' but of course no occassion is special enough - well that's what I thought until I realised every day is special - I am special and my family are special so we deserve to have yummy candles burning even if we are just sitting watching TV.


What's Not!
*White bread - I feel bloated and sick and there is something about white bread that makes it my devil food. The more I have the more I want and I don't even really like it unless its dripping with butter and nutella!
*Messy house - Now call this crazy but the way I have been feeling I didn't think I deserved a clean tidy house - why tidy when I felt so crap. Turning it around a messy house makes me feel like crap and I can't let my children grow up in it.
*Having the TV on up to twleve hours per day - yes I say that its just for company and the sound now that I am at home most days but really most of the time I end up plopped down in front of it watching crap and living in a fantasy world. Time to start living back in mine.

So going to bed tonight feeling a little clearer, a little more at peace with myself.