I Sick!

I am sick!! Just as things were starting to get good with the exercise I get sick. So in bad mood, have evaluation tomorrow, notes aren't even slightly ready, assignments now starting to be due and all I want to do is go to bed!!!

Yay me!!

Thought it was time that I gave myself a pat on the back. Three days with a big tick...have I mentioned that I LOVE NO COUNT! Still checking my points at the end of the day to see if they fall around range hoepfully soon I can let that go and just enjoy my food with no guilt or pointing. Guess what!! I have even done some jogging - two - three minutes during a 30 minutes walk. Now for some that is nothing but for a chick who has never run a day in her life and has 38DD to control its a bleedin' miracle! Man these endorphin things are good - where can I buy a bottle!

Make that biljinin and one

Today I rejoined Weight Watchers. When we went away for the conference I stopped going and just used the online tools, believing that I could go it alone. Now I have realised I can't - just yet anyway. So I rejoined and standing on the scales I am glad I did - 84.9!!! Man ifI had left it any later 90 was calling around the corner and I told myself after I had S that the number was gone for good. So back to WW and back on No Count. Even though I love the concept and doing No Count I am still a little nervous - like was this gain because of my last two weeks on NC or was it maybe the extras around NC. So will give it another couple of weeks and see how it goes. NC is good in that I don't obsess and feel like I am in control rather than a diet in control of me. Bit of a hiccups tonight though rugby for me since I was little equals beer and chips (rashuns actually), but I allowed myself one beer and didn't even have the chips (half aloaf of fresh baked bread - but no chips!). Baby steps baby steps....

Insano

First of all let me start by saying I LOVE no count!! For some reason points always did my head in and I always seem to be trying to bater with myself to find the worst food to spend my points on - thus the endless yo-yo. But No Count there is none of that you just eat the amount you need or feel like and meal over. Also I like that I might blow my allowance for the week but instead of starving like I would if I had spent all of my points in one day I just turn to no count food. So yes loving it. Couple of hiccups but feel alot more normal and not as obsessed.

Okay on to the insanity thing - last two days doing no count great then today a mini binge, the mini pig out isn't the insane part as that is part of life - the insane part is my thinking around it. I left school today on an average vibe - didn't feel good or bad about the day, picked up my daughter then some little food demon took over and this is the conversion we had:

"Come on you have had a hard day, stop at the shops on the way home."
"No, I'm okay."
"Well J deserves a treat so stop for her and while there get something for yourself."
"She doesn't need it and I am trying to save money."
"Look you have had no blow outs for two days it's about time you had one."
"Okay that makes sense." What the...?! How could it possibly make sense that I deserve to have a pig out because I had been on a roll the last couple of days.

The result J got a chocolate treat something we are trying to avoid with her and I got my Kit Kat temptation (yum!!), giant bag of cheezels (so not worth it) and topped it off with my frankenstein Jam sandwich. Go figure. I think I sort of know why my brain might have rebelled - I didn't have protein for lunch just soup and bread and I have found that over the last couple of days when my eating has been in control I have upped my protein and haven't had these thoughts. It's amazing how you can sabotage yourself because after this pig out I thought well bugger it lets have fish and chips for dinner, luckly I saved myself from continuing on this thinking and decided to blog instead. So I know that I need protein at lunch and after school and hopefully this will stop that niggling voice. Just got to figure out how to stop obvious self sabotage or why I am doing that.

Changes

Last night I really wanted to get some stuff off my chest and sort out how I am feeling about this slightly bumpy (LOL!) journey of mine and went to start writing stuff in my blog and got scared. When I first started this blog is was about me totally me- didn't care if it was ever read by others or not. It was a place to sort out my head and any other bits that needed dealing to. So last night I got scared off writing because of what I thought others would say, people judging me and my thoughts or feelings. So lying in bed last night I realised that hang on this place is for me and I am not competing on the best sellers list I shouldn't edit how I feel and what I write about because of those few whose mothers never told them that if they haven't got anything nice (or supportive) to say don't say anything at all (you know who you are!!). I love sharing my journey with others and hearing how other people are doing but at the same time I figure you don't like it don't read it!! How's that for "assertive" people! So for those who want to share this journey with me - love you long time and stay tuned as this is going to be a bumpy one....

Bum! Bum! Bugger!

Think my scales have it in for me - I have put on 800grams!!! I am now more than I was just after I had given birth and was still carrying fluid - back in bloody December! No count is great - in theory anyway - I can do breakfast, lunch but then come home from school and right now my frankenstein is bread and Jam (how old am I five!) and from the time I get home through till about 7.30 (the time that I start beating myself up for being such a fat pig!) I eat and eat. Today I even managed to pop off a button on my jeans whereas a few weeks agoI could go to the toliet and not have to undo them to pull them down (what an achievement!) so what's up with that. I am willing and able I just don't think my body and brain have caught up.

No Count

This week I have decided to try no count - I know a lot of people think its too restricting, well my jeans are too restricting and I need a boost. I think that on points I spend half my day trying to get a good deal what can I eat for the lowest amount of points that is MADE FROM SUGAR!! Well maybe I should start eating foods that haven't started their life as aset of numbers in a chemical recipe book. From what I have heard No Count takes a bit of getting into so I will be a bit easier on my self for the first couple of weeks, feeling my way but once those couple of weeks are up I need to take it up a notch. Hey as they say keep trying until something works, I haven't given up yet!

Stop the moaning!!

Okay have slapped myself around the face a bit after the last post because man the chick who wrote that was pathetic, giving up when it got just a little hard!! Last night I sat down and caught up on my love to read blogs and wake up call indeed. All the amazing women out there just getting on with it, yes there are times that its okay to curl up in a ball sucking your thumb but after reading my latest posts thats all I seem to be doing - looking for a quick fix and when it doesn't happen I whimper and cry about how I can't do it! So not the red-haired scorpio girl that I am! So here I am this morning after giving myself a stern talking to and I am back in the drivers seat. Today I was suppose to do the Auckland Special K duathlon but with my procrastination in full force I have not even gone for a bike ride once - so decided rather than killing myself in front of thousands of people I will set myself a 12 week challenge and after that 12 weeks will do the duathlon myself. so back to basics - I am using the WW on line tools for my food and the rule of 30 mins exercise for my exercise so thats a start. No more pity parties bex this time you will do this!!

Queen

Of Binge Eating that is. I just don't know what is wrong - what I need - what I am missing. Reading other peoples blogs I am inspired by their results and how they manage to get through and the successes that they have and I think I can do it! But you know what I don't think I can. For as long as I can remember I have been trying to loose weight and have tried everything even the crazy chew-your-food-but-don't swallow (yes - what crazy things we do at school). I must have shares in Weight Watchers and probably have paid a fair chunk of my total adult income to Jenny Craig, gyms and lets not forget the library of books that I have on every theory on how to loose weight but yet I am still here, still miserable and still overweight. I have had days that I have so thought that I have got it - this time I will so do this everything seems to be in place but I must be missing something because all to easily that falls away and I am left feeling like a failure and really worse off than before (if that is possible). I know this all sounds like a pity party but thats not what I want it to be - I am just confused and a little lost about how to get through this thing. I want my daughter to grow up without food issues. The other day I caught her sneaking food and when she is upset or tired or bored she looks for food and she is only 3 1/2 - what am I doing to her?

Where do I go from here?

What I have learnt

The conference was amazing it was all about Maria Montessori's philosophy that if we give children the world, they will give us peace, and what we as Montessori teachers can do to guide children on this journey. Mind blowing!! Anyway one workshop was about Non Violent Communication - basically how we communitcate with each other and ourselves in a way that encourages expressing feelings openly and learning to empathise when others share with us. One major component of this is recognising that everybody has needs and these needs are basically the same for everyone ie: love, acceptance, peace, companionship, knowledge, learning, food, water, being listened to - you get the picture, and conflict arises when someone does not feel a need is being met. Basically if we listen to each other empathitically and express our feelings and needs we will find it easier to negoitate a solution in which everyone is having their needs met to some degree. If a person feels their needs are being acknowledged they are less likely to want to fight back. Now this is when my little light bulb went off ....... The same applies when listening and talking to yourself - how many times do we really truly think about what we need before we react, the classic example for me would be the eating when really the need is for rest or love or someone to just listen. Because I am not really truly asking my body what it needs I am not fulfilling the need and thus ending up on a never ending cycle until the need is met. So aha! The light bulb clicked and I am making it my goal for the week to ask not only myself but others around me what they are needing and trying to work to fulfil that specific need, hey if we all tried a little more listening and less assuming wouldn't we all be in a more content place. (don't you just love the way conferences give you the warm fuzzies!!)

Holiday over - back to the real world

Have been off in the South Island for a Montessori teaching conference, have lots of processing to do about a little nigglies that finally went click. But right now off to restock the cupboards and fridge but will be back to make sure I commit what I am feeling to paper so if everything goes mental I have some sanity to return to.

Fed up! Warning vent in progress.

Today I am fed up - with everything. I am fed up with being fat,I am fed up with not being able to control my eating, I am fed up with telling myself that today I will be good and within hours it turns to custard, I am fed up with how much my weight effects my moods, I am fed up with the fact that I feel the most comfortable on the couch and I am too scared to get out of my comfort zone, I am fed up with turning to food when I feel fed up, I am fed up with seeing my daughter following the same food patterns as me and making her my accomplice in my eating - she is only 3 1/2, I am fed up with friends and family expecting me to fail, I am fed up with my husband for giving in to me and getting me the food I ask for, I am fed up with myself for not being strong enough to say no when he comes home with junk, I am fed up because there is so much I want to do but either can't or are to scared to attempt because of my weight, I am fed up with the fact we live in a society that doesn't allow me to be me, I am fed up with the fact I have brought into this mind set and I am especially fed up with feeling so angry about the position that I am in yet I put myself in it.

Who ate the easter bunny?

I probably did and if it wasn't him I ate many of his offspring. Friday was good I actually fooled myself into believing that I could get through easter without a chocolate induced episode .... well I didn't have a choclate episode but I did have many many many hot x cross bun episodes. In avoiding the chocolate I turned to those soft squishy butter loaded fruity buns mmmmmmmmmmmmm (and then ate the chocolate). Thought I would only have one maybe two but you see hot cross buns come in packs of six! So Saturday was bad leading to a really really bad Sunday ending in an off the scales Monday. So Monday night I sat (well lounged due to the bottle of Cats Piss wine - yes it really is a brand and its yummy) and thought well holiday over back to it tomorrow, put this holiday caos behind me.......

Got up this morning and it happened again. I wasn't prepared and after eating breakfast didn't eat anything until three where I consumed (and by this I mean shovelled so quickly into my gob I didn't actually taste anything) One piece of KFC chicken, a zinger burger, large fries and an entire family sized bag of peanut M&Ms. What is happening to me? I can see the 90s in the distant and thats where I wanted to keep them. A few weeks ago I stood on the scales and actually saw the 70s, a number I haven't seen in over six years (actually took me a couple of seconds to recognise what the number was!!) and here I am sabotaging myself. Stop this train I want to get off!!

Get past the first chapter!

Okay so maybe I should have read past the first chapter. Then I would have read the bit about learning to hear real hunger and asking yourself if you are hungry or emotional before eating rather then just reading eat what you want girl cause you want it. So after my little hiccup start I have today I again started to trust my body - must admit not completely because on the fridge I have my trusty WW fridge tracker and have been writing down what I eat and how many points I have used - but I have been steering my focus away from the points and concentrating on how my body feels. Here I am after dinner feeling satisfied and on my points tracker is says that I am only 1/2 a point over so hey I might have something more later, I might not but I feel free to choose. How exciting all this experimenting is!! Bit like being a teenager again LOL! One day of easter down and no chocolate coma, three days to go.

Reality calling!!

What exactly was I thinking? When I read that you can eat what you body wants, trust your body blah blah, I was like white on rice (did I just day that?!), I thought yes! that is me! that is what I need to do! What a load of crap! Yes I agree that sometimes instead of pretending you are not lusting over those mini morsels of delight that they call donut holes (even the name screams yummmmmmy!) just have one, get it over with! Instead of teasing yourself. But my fat soaked brain heard yeah baby free for all lets go! Well the results of that little experiment - a sore tummy and 300 grams appeared where maybe a hip bone should be amerging. So what is next for this chick? Well lets start at the beginning - food in - exercise out.
What works for me:
*Having structure
*Eating regulary - 3 hours - after that I turn into demon woman
*Exercising regulary
*Competition - love it,love it and did I mention I love it (except if there is a chance I might actually lose!)
*Support from those around me - active, not just the 'are you still trying to lose weight'
*Keeping busy
So these are the things that I am going to try and highlight and hopefully they will make up for the areas I fall down in especially the emotional eating. So am I going to trust my body - yes! but its time to cut the crap and get on with it.
Reminder to self eating healthy and doing some exercise is not going to kill me, sitting on the couch stuffing my face with chocolate bunnies will!!

Hungry?

Last night I started reading a book about letting go of emotional eating (see last post!) and one point that really stuck out was the deprevation that happens when we are on a 'diet'. While on a diet when we get hungry or crave for something, say a lindt chocolate bunny, we are instantly told to find an alternative which means maybe we look into our pot of low fat/low point goodies but we haven't satisfied our craving for the particular food so we consume all the low fat goodies and then eat what we wanted in the first place but maybe instead of just one we eat 5, ending up consuming twice the calories we would have if we had just allowed ourselves the treat in the first place. This for me is so true I find myself denying foods for so long and denying what my body is craving that instead of just having one or a little bit I try to be'good'and then end up gorging the equivalent of my body weight in the food I wanted in the first place. So for the next couple of days I am going to try and listen to what I am really hungry for and then have it. I think it is about time that I start trusting my body and myself to not make harmful decisions. Does this sound a little crazy?! To be honest it scares the beejesus out of me to not have rules to follow for a couple of days but I just want to see what happens, I want to see if my body goes crazy and I clear out the bakery or maybe knowing that I can have anything could mean that I don't want anything (if that makes sense) - yes maybe I will gain a few kilos but what if it's okay, what if I find that I can trust my body and can stop this roller coaster with food? Wouldn't it be worth it?

Seeing RED!

Well the meltdown came in the form of - white and dark chocolate biscuits, 3 sausages, 3 rolls dripping with butter and cheese and six chocolate covered donuts. Even just writing that makes me feel sick! And the only reason that I can give is that right now I am angry! Not the kind of want to hurt someone angry just angry Angry at what I have no idea (I never said I was sane), I just feel this anger at everything and everyone. I guess that's why they call it emotional eating I am stuffing down what I am angry at and because I have been doing it for so long I now have no idea what the real issue is. There could be lots of little things that set me off - uni, my husband, kids, other people - but I am sure there must be something bigger for my anger to be this big, it almost seems selfish to feel like this, there are so many other people who are worse off and have real reasons to feel angry and frustrated but I can't help it, the only thing that seems to stop it consuming me is eating. I go into a black mood, eat whatever is not tied down and then I feel okay - almost like I have let my feelings out but really I haven't. ARRRRGGGHHHH! Sorry this is such a rambling just needed to vent a bit. Tomorrow is a new day and all that.

Feeling fit, feeling fine

Isn't it amazing that just one day of eating well, doing a bit of the old treadmill and getting through the day without wanting to stick my head into a vat of choclate makes you feel like this could actually be possible. Really isn't that all the weight loss journey is stringing these types of days together, with a couple of melt downs thrown in to keep things real. I know that it is harder than this but today I feel like it is a walk in the park - tomorrow it may be a walk through a mine field so I will take the good where I can.
So *hooray for me* - hey if you don't cheer yourself on who will :O)

Resettlement

Well its been a while and while I have been away there has been a resettlement - of the fat the hangs over my girlie bits. Think some people call it an apron well mine could be a whole pinnie. I have gained 1.5 kilos!! Of pure unadultered chocolate. I used to like chocolate, enjoyed the odd bar now and then but now I am the queen of the cocoa bean, my blood oozes caremello. So what do I do??? Well my plan is to get (again!!) back on the bus (if I can still fit through the doors) and keep going! In three weeks I begin my last teaching placement and this has always been a danger zone for me so I need to get my head back into *positive head space* man. So this weeks plan is get sugar points down to 14 (arrggghh - the head aches), drink 2-3 litres of water per day, do the WWA easter walking challenge (awesome site - link on my side bar), write a distraction list and go there first before reaching for THE FOOD. Reward is to have a coffee at bookstore with Mum and only Seb (my baby boy!), it'll be great to get some quiet time without having to think about assignments, cleaning the house, and keeping husband and three year old in line. So here goes...

Chocolate dipped

Well its been one of those weeks where I could have quite easily chocolate dipped my offspring and devoured them with a cold beer. Gained 400g - bit of a shock but probably not a big surprise. Getting a bit fed up actually - my weight and food issues seem so deep set that I would have to dig to China to get to the bottom of things (and probably while I was there deplete their country of wontons). This week I started to look at the 10 winning habits stuff from WW thinking that maybe they might know what they are talking about and I have started working on a coupld of them:
*Being active - this one I have pretty much got done - I have actually started to enjoy exercise and find that I now just move more in general.
*Sort Surroundings - this one is okay, the house is 90% free of temptation foods, the only issue here is that I buy Jade snacks (!) that really she doesn't need either so this one is just a matter of stopping her snacks.
*Plan Ahead - Have done a plan for each day - haven't followed it 100% but at least I have planned and it makes me think before I eat (well sometimes)
and my latest working on habit that I started this weekend was making wise food choices and this is where it kind of fell apart (atom bomb style). I know what I should be eating, I know what I shouldn't be eating but still I eat - so I have come to the conclusion that my eating is an emotional problem (duh!) and if I get that one little thing sorted I will be fine (hehehehehehe).